Even though I didn't quite make my goal of posting something every day, I still wanted to come up with something inspiring to close this month. Like how focusing on being thankful has dramatically improved my outlook on life. Or how I feel like I'm looking into a mirror and seeing the reflection of someone with a new perspective. But it hasn't turned out quite like that.
This month has been marked by alot of loss. Heather. My grandfather. My other grandparents' house. Added onto the other losses- of Emily, my grandmother, my job, and moving to a new state, I was feeling pretty overwhelmed. Everything seemed to fall apart so quickly. It quite honestly sent me into a tailspin for a few days. I felt like everything I knew and held dear was falling apart, and the mirror I was looking into suddenly shattered into a thousand shards of glass. I was entirely too busy dwelling on the things that I'd lost, I really didn't want to focus on the things that remained. But yet, one thing I did get out of this little blog challenge is a keener awareness that there is in fact always something to be thankful for. Sometimes it's not much. Sometimes it's everything. Sometimes it's all in the way that you look at it. I used to roll my eyes when people talked about having an "attitude of gratitude", but there's something to be said for that. Some mornings I stared at a blank computer screen, certain that there was not one single thing I had to be thankful for. With that kind of mindset, of course you'll never come up with something. But when I looked beyond my momentary bout of "poor me"... I found I had quite a few things to be thankful for. Sometimes it was as big as being thankful for the family and friends in my life. Sometimes it was a simple "I love you" note left for me on the counter. Like I said, sometimes it wasn't much- but sometimes it was everything.
What I've struggled with most is trying to find the thankful in Heather's death. She is still constantly on my mind. Deep down I knew that she was going to die. I think I knew from the moment I heard "liver cancer". But I certainly wasn't prepared for her to go so quickly. But then again, are you ever really prepared to say goodbye? I miss her terribly. I find myself pulling out my phone to send her a text message. I'm so disappointed that she never got the chance to meet Lauren. We'd always talked about taking a trip here together, but it never worked out. I have trouble comprehending that she's really gone. In some ways it's just as hard as Emily's death. But in other ways it's a little easier to process simply because I know that even though her death has left a hole in my heart, I know that hole eventually starts to heal. And that knowledge allows me to not get as bogged down in the sorrow, and to be thankful for the memories I have of her. To be thankful for her, and for her life.
I hope I can carry some of the lessons of this month with me in the days and months to come. That I can find a way to look for the good in the midst of the bad. Like when I get depressed about not finding a job as quickly as I'd hoped. When I'm feeling scared and lonely and worried that I won't fit in. When I find myself missing Emily. Missing Heather. Missing the house that embodies so many childhood memories. When I feel like I have nothing to be thankful for at all, that's when I need to hang onto the one thing that I know will never fail- the promise that when everything seems to be falling apart, He's always going to be there to gather up the pieces. And to turn that shattered mirror into a glass mosaic. Sometimes the things that are most beautiful, come about as a result of being broken.
So here's to finding thanks in the reflections of the broken glass in life. And the beauty that comes in the mending.
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