Do you ever get used to saying goodbye?

I hate that word. Goodbye.

Someone once told me that the word goodbye came about from the phrase "God Bless Ye". Whatever. It's a horrid word. And I try to avoid saying it.

My friend Heather is not doing well. As in, it's getting close to the end. Her second opinion ended up being the same as her first. Aside from the research drugs, there was nothing that they could do. Then her doctor's at Johns Hopkins said she wasn't a candidate for the drugs because her tumor was too large, too advanced.

My brain gets stuck on that point. That's it? There's nothing more that they can do? I don't understand how with all the research, all the experiments, all the money that is poured into cancer research, and there's nothing they can do.

Sometimes I wonder if they're really trying to find a cure at all.

Heather's in hospice, on a 24/7 morphine drip, and isn't accepting visitors at this point. I was seriously contemplating driving back to PA to see her this week. And a very selfish part of me is glad that decision was made for me. The last time I saw Heather was when we met for breakfast. She was still eating, she was still laughing, she was still alive. I don't know if I could stand to see her lying in a hospital bed, dying. Cowardly of me, yes? I'd like to believe that if she wanted me there, I'd move heaven and earth to make it happen. But I have to be honest and admit that I'm selfishly relieved I don't have to see her like that.

Our friends who keep me updated keep saying to keep praying. To believe that He is a God of miracles, and that there's still a chance He can heal her. I do believe that- to an extent. But not in Heather's case. I think I knew from the moment she told me she had liver cancer that she would die. Does that make me unfaithful, or a realist? I tend to look at things in a black and white perspective. I tend to believe the worst... to prepare myself for the worst so I can handle it when the inevitable comes. And then if the worst doesn't happen, well.... then I'm gladly proven wrong. But not caught unprepared. And even though I want to believe with all my heart that He's going to swoop in and save her... I cannot bring myself to pray for something that I honestly, truly, don't believe is going to happen. And I think He understands that. At least, I hope He understands.

That being said- I know that she's soon going to be out of pain. That she'll be with her mom again. That she'll be healthy and whole. Heck, maybe her and Emily can even have a few laughs at my expense. In the end, whether He heals her or not... either way Heather wins. I'm not worried about Heather. I'm just sad for her family, sad for her friends, and horribly sad for myself.

I am so tired of saying goodbye to the people I love.