Inspiration, where art thou?

I should be writing something. After last week there certainly shouldn't be a shortage of stories, lessons, and heartwarming moments.

Yet the blank screen taunts me.

I want to write something. Anything. Something inspiring. Motivating. Funny.
Anything to erase the blank screen that's been dogging me all week.

I seem to have fallen into the "post mission trip slump". I've been absolutely useless this week. And lonely. I went from spending every day (and some nights!) with a group of 18 people. There was no shortage of laughter, teasing, and really- we came to be like a family. It's amazing how close you can become to people in just a short period of time. And then all too soon, the week is over and I'm stuck with my own company.

The whole unemployment thing seems to have set in more since I've been back. After a week of being productive and feeling like I accomplished something at the end of each day, this sitting around at home has become old. I feel useless. And again, lonely. I miss my friends from work, but somehow I don't think they seem to miss me much at all.

No wonder my search for inspiring is nothing more than a wild goose chase. It's getting lost in a maze of self-pity and moping.

One thing I have learned is that the more you force the words, the more elusive they become. So in place of words and listening to me whine, I leave you with something even better. Pictures! A sampling of some of my favorites.


Building #8- to be completed Sept. 2010


It will look something like this: (This is Building #6)

Habitat for Humanity- this is why we volunteer ~ Wordless Wednesday

Agata Biel. 15 months old.

Future resident of Building #8, Gliwice, Poland, thanks to Habitat for Humanity.

The luxury of a wet wipe

Saturday we had a BBQ with the families who will be living in Building 8. Some of the kids from Building 7 also joined us. We had cut up a watermelon and gave it to them while we were waiting for the grill to heat up. They were so cute. And of course, kids with melons means spitting seeds, sticky hands, and messy faces.

This little one stole my heart. I was so tempted to sneak her away and bring her back with me. If I thought I could have gotten away with it, I would have tried.

When she was done with her piece of melon, she had a mess that was a little beyond a paper towel. So I grabbed the wet wipes Terri had brought. I handed it to her, and she looked at me, then looked at the wet wipe in her hand with a surprised look on her face. She wiped her hands, then tentatively brought it to her face. I didn't think much of it, until I saw her about ten minutes later, still running the cloth over her face. Then it clicked. She probably hadn't seen one before. I imagine wet wipes are probably considered a luxury, if they even have them around in Gliwice. And I started to feel a little bit of pity for these families with messy kids and no wet wipes. And it made me think of all the little things I take for granted. And how blessed I am compared to a great many people. But yet, sometimes we place way too much importance on these little luxuries. I've seen poverty and visited families in houses that should be condemed. I came home to my 4 bedroom house that's three times bigger than the apartment I helped build for a family of 8. I look at my bedroom that is overflowing with "things" that I can't bear to part with, and clothes that I haven't worn in years. I'd like to think that these trips will radically change me, but yet at the end of the day, I'm just your spoiled average 26 year old American Girl who spends way too much time on her computer, her cell phone, and is still attached to her "stuff".

But I'm realizing that stuff isn't everything, as cliche as that sounds. These families that I pity because they live without the luxuries of laptops and wet wipes are some of the happiest people I've ever met. As I look at the smiles on these faces, I think perhaps I am the one that should be learning from them. Wet wipes aren't everything you know.

It's good to be home

I arrived home last night, after a really, really, REALLY long day. We left the hotel in Gliwice yesterday morning at 6:00 am, traveled to the airport in Krakow, and hung around the airport until our various flights left. Going home I wasn't traveling with the rest of the Chicago group, so after we checked in, we said our goodbyes before we headed to our separate gates. I hate saying goodbye. I flew from Krakow to Munich, Germany in a plane with propellers. Propellers. So small that we had to climb one of those rickety metal sets of stairs to get into it. Lots of praying going on for that hour or so. When I landed in Munich, I only had less than an hour to catch the next plane. And of course, the gate I needed was on the opposite end of the terminal. I took off on a run, and arrived sweaty and out of breath, and annoyed that I couldn't browse through all the cool stores I was flying pass. But now I have another stamp in my passport as proof that I really was in Germany. We boarded the plane, sans propellers, and I breathed a sigh of relief. Homeward bound at last.



Dad picked me up and I directed him to the nearest place that served hamburgers. I love Polsih food, but I must admit that after 10 days I was glad to see some beef again. And ice. I don't know how people from Europe can drink lukewarm beverages. Ugh. I do wish that I could have smuggled some kielbasa home. Man, that is the best stuff ever. Nothing here even comes close to it. But I doubt the US customs people would have let that go by undetected. *sigh*



So now I'm sitting in my living room, getting my internet fix, and trying to ignore the suitcase of dirty clothes sitting in front of me. Perhaps if I ignore it long enough it will unpack itself.

I must admit, I am glad to have my phone back. I felt quite adrift not being able to call and talk to family and friends. And not having my computer to be able to update and share a story right away was frustrating. Some nights when I got to the internet cafe I was too tired to think straight, and I know there are stories that I'm missing or forgetting. It makes me appreciate the luxuries that I have.


I have about three hundred pictures on my camera, so the next few days I'll be trying to catch up with those. I've tried to quickly update about the last three days in the posts below. I'm sure once I start looking at the pictures, I'll be adding more stories.

Last work days in Poland

Friday was a pretty great day. Funny how you just start getting into your groove, and then you have to leave. I can't say that I was particularly enjoying putting up the interior walls, but it was getting easier once we got the hang of it. I still avoided that level at all costs. I was working with a small group that became known as "The Phun Team". We had alot of type A personalities on this trip. And there's nothing wrong with that but they can be... a little intense. I was much happier working with the relaxed group. 19 different personalities is one of the great things about these trips. And sometimes 19 different personalities is also one of the worst things about these trips. But it all worked out, and we really got alot done. I think our team set one of the records for being the most productive. That's not the reason why we're there obviously, but yet it's rewarding to know that were able to get so much done. Getting these people into their homes is what our motivation is, and if this overachieving, type A personality group can help make that happen sooner... then that's just icing on top of the cake.
Our cement floor team was awesome though. They got every room in the downstairs flats done. At one point they told Damian, our site supervisor, that there were only three bags of cement left. His eyes bugged out of his head, he exclaimed "Oh Mein Gott!" and whipped out his cell phone and started quickly calling for more cement. The truck arrived later that afternoon, much to his relief.

Damian is amazing. He and his family will be living in one of the downstairs flats. He has been working as the site supervisor on the last three buildings. He's applied for a home in each one of them, but it took until this year before they made the list. During that time, his daughter was diagnosed with some kind of glandular cancer. She's now in remission. Damian is not only responsible for overseeing the construction of these buildings, but he's responsible for the training of the unemployed workers. These men are learning the construction trade. So they can only do one thing, and then they have to be trained on the next task. On top of that, Damian is also responsible for the influx of volunteers from all over the world. And us volunteers are by no means professionals, so we all have to be shown things. Add the language barrier into the mix and I'm surprised the man still has hair on his head.

Saturday was only a half day of working, and much more laid back. "The Phun Team" was finishing our last wall. We would have finished it completely, except we realized that we hadn't cut out a block for the overhead door beam. So we had to take some blocks down and do that. Oh well- we almost did it!
Then we had a BBQ with the families that had been working with us all week. A group of little kids from the other buildings came over and we had a blast playing with them. They found a friend in Russell, who is an overgrown kid himself.
The gratitude from these families is what touches me the most. I know that volunteering isn't a huge part of their culture, and they don't really understand why we come so far to help people that we don't know. But heart language is universal even when verbal language is not, and some things don't need to be translated- like hugs and smiles and tears. And that's why we keep coming.

I wasn't having the best time earlier this week- I think that was pretty evident. But as the week went on and I got to know these wonderful people, I stopped dwelling on myself. Amazing how your attitude changes. I'm thankful for this amazing opportunity to do something beyond myself.

Late nights make for unpleasant mornings....

My original plan had been to get to the internet cafe on Saturday to catch up with the last two days on the jobsite. I was going to eat dinner with the gang, update the blog, then meet up with everyone at our favorite cafe for some coffee and dessert. Instead our dinner gang ended up being the "let's stop here for a quick beer" gang. Then one turned into two, then two turned into three...... need I say more?

Lesson learned: it is impossible to keep up with Europeans.

By 12:30 I was pleading to be taken back to the hotel. That night was when I regretted most not having a better grasp of Polish. I'd forgotten my card with the name and address of the hotel, and I couldn't tell a taxi driver where to take me. Center square is a good 20 minute walk from our hotel, and I knew if I tried to walk back by myself I would have been in MAJOR trouble with the various "Dad's" in the group. It was well after 1:00 by the time we made it back. When I got to my room I cried when I saw my suticase overflowing with all my junk. I packed as quickly as I could. I'm amazed that everything arrived in one piece. Needless to say, there were some tired and grumpy people getting on the bus yesterday morning. I was in better shape than some- I'd stopped drinking earlier in the night so at least I wasn't hung over, I was just tired. But even so....

Lesson learned: sometimes it's okay to put your foot down and say no.

One of the funniest parts of the evening was at dinner. A few days before some of us were at dinner with Sam and Dorota, one of the other translators. We wanted to buy the beer glasses because the logos with the various beers were so cool. We asked Sam to ask the waiter if we could buy them. Sam shook his head and said that they wouldn't sell them so we should just steal them. we protested and said we couldn't do that. So Dorota asked for us, and the waitress said she couldn't really sell them, but if we gave her 5 zlotys, (about $2), we could take them. So Saturday night they had different glasses and we asked Sam to ask the waiter. He didn't really want to, but we weren't going to steal them. So he asked. Sam and the waiter were going back and forth in Polish and the waiter went to the bar, and then came back a few minutes later. He whispered very low in Sam's ear and then walked away. Sam said, "he says that they cannot sell the glasses. But it would be quite alright if you put them in your bags and took them. And it would be quite nice if you could leave some money with the bill."

Lesson learned: it is okay to steal the glasses as long as you leave some money.

More on our last two days at the jobsite to follow.

Heading towards the finish line

So it's Thursday. Well, here it is Thursday. Thursday evening to be exact. I have no idea what time it is where y'all are, and to be perfectly honest, it's really not significant. Wherever I am is what time it is. Therefore, it is Thursday evening at 8:40. I've finished an excellent dinner at the city square- Poland's version of a Greek Gyro. I have no idea what it was, and I'm perfectly happy with that, because it was wonderful.

Today I ended up laying cement bricks. We developed a system. I spread the muck and gunk, and someone else deals with the numbers and levels. It's all good. :) I feel much better because I feel like I can actually say I accomplished something.

One thing has resonated with me this week. Ana Cryz from the Habitat Office in Poland came earlier this week and spent a few days with us. She's the National Global Village Coordinator for Habitat in Poland. (In English- she's a head high muckety-muck) And wonderfully friendly. We talked for a little while and she was telling me that volunteering is not prevalent in Poland. Alot of that comes from the days of communism, etc. It's just not common. So when they hear of Americans coming all the way over here, they truly think we are crazy. (Anna doesn't, obviously, since she works for Habitat. Although after spending three days with us crazy Americans, she may have changed her mind!) But she asked me, why we give our time, our money to come to a place like Poland. I felt somewhat uncomfortable, because in alot of ways, this trip is somewhat selfish. It is not a hardship to come here. I come because I love to be able to give my time and what little talent I have. But at the same time, I've had the opportunity to experience a totally new culture. A place that I otherwise would never have come to. And not only once, but TWICE. So yes, I'm doing "good". But I'm getting so much more in return.

It's given me alot to think about this week. I watch the people here and I compare it to the people back in the States. It's different, yet people are people no matter where you go. I wish that I had made more of an effort to learn Polish. One of my favorite parts of the day is breakfast at our hotel. Breakfast is included, and we stop by the front desk to get a ticket for the restaurant. The woman behind the desk speaks no English. We've been practicing saying our room numbers in Polish, and she gets the biggest smile on her face when we say it. This morning I said it and she exclaimed and laughed and I think she said something along the lines of "perfect".

It made me realize that one of the basic human emotions is a yearning to be understood. This trip has taught me that, and I don't mean specifically language.

So there you have it. It took almost a week, but I think I've got the attitude change I was looking for.

More tomorrow. I miss y'all.

Update from the jobsite- day three

I seem to be having some technical difficulty uploading photos from my camera, so those will have to wait until I get home. But in the meantime, here's a brief update from the first three days on the job.

This year has been quite a different experience on the job site. Last year the building was still in it's beginning stages, and we spent the first few days moving materials rather than actually putting them on the building. And because it was in the early stages, we didn't see alot of the future homeowners. Many people aren't aware that Habitat offers a "hand up", not a "hand out". These families receive a no-interest loan, and part of the requirement is to put in at least 750 labor hours. So this time around, we have had the opportunity to work with many of them. I've become especially attached to one of them- Sebastian. He is deaf, and uses sign language. I've taken a few classes in American Sign Language, and still remember some of my signs. Sign language is not universal, but some of the signs are the same. I managed to convey that to Sebastian, and we've had alot of fun this week. He is one of the hardest working people there, and so grateful to Habitat, and to us.

So what are we doing this week you ask? Well I shall tell you. We have two main jobs this week- building interior walls with concrete blocks, and laying cement floors downstairs. I must admit I am having some trouble finding my niche. I quickly discovered on Monday that laying blocks is not one of my strong suits. Handing me a level is like asking me to solve an Algebra equation. It simply ain't happening. I don't have the skills for precision work. I tried, but it was taking more time to correct my mistakes, so I decided to go downstairs. My biggest frustration is that the local people definitely haven't bought into the whole "equal opportunity" thing. There are some things women don't do. And one of them is laying concrete floors. I helped shovel the concrete all day yesterday, but that was the extent. Which is fine, I was happy to have something to do. Today however they didn't really need a shoveler, so I spent most of my day adrift. Which of course is also frustrating.
But tomorrow is another day.

We've spent the last couple nights in the center square of Gliwice. I love this place. There are many outside cafes surrounding the square, and I could spend hours taking in the people. O'm even getting a better grasp on the language. I can almost count to ten!

I'm glad that I am here. I feel like I am part of something important, and for that I am thankful and very blessed to have this opportunity. But at the same time, I am very anxious to be back.

More tomorrow- hopefully after a slightly more productive day.

Blue skies and falling tears

Yesterday we went to Auschwitz concentration camp. I really debated about whether I wanted to return again this year. Obviously it's a difficult and painful thing to see and hear about. But I decided that I needed to go.

This time was so much harder. The tears started the moment I walked through that gate- which, as I'm sure most of you know, is not the norm for me. Last year I walked through the grounds numb. This year I walked through with eyes blurred from tears. I cannot comprehend the evil that took place on the very ground that I now walked upon. That the bright blue sky with sun that warmed my back and dried the tears on my cheeks also looked upon human suffering that the mind cannot fathom. I felt like the sky should be dark and gray. I could not take pictures. I know that people need to know. They need to see. But I tell you, you simply cannot grasp the full impact from a photograph. Trust me. Being there is haunting and chilling, and I decided yesterday that I don't think I can ever return to that place.

But I think I will carry those images with me forever. And that's not a bad thing, I don't think. We have to keep those horrible memories alive, because to forget is to open the possibility of an atrocity like this happening again.

We cannot forget. Yet I wish I could understand.

It's moments like these when I wish I could speak with God. Some clarification would be most welcome.

Made it- finally

Well I've made it here- finally. I suppose eventually we all have to have a "bad" travel experience.
Thursday my plane from Dulles was delayed for an hour or so. Which wouldn't have been so bad.... if I wasn't already sitting on it. They said they were getting some kind of error message on the external power something or other. And that it wasn't a big deal if the mechanics couldn't fix it because we didn't really need it to fly to Chicago. To me, anything that has the phrase "external power" sounds pretty darn important.

So they fixed it or did whatever they had to do and we landed in Chicago without a hitch. I met up with the rest of the team, and got ready to wait for our 9:40PM flight to Krakow.

hahahahahahaha.

Seems like our plane was slightly delayed. Like, not taking off until 3:30AM delayed. There was a problem with the plane they were flying in, so they landed in Warsaw and sent another one. But by the time that plane arrived, the flight crew wasn't allowed to fly without sleeping, so our flight was delayed.

Which is perfectly fine with me. I'd much rather have my pilot awake.

So we hung out in the Chicago airport for a loooooong time. Airport chairs are not conducive to sleeping. The biggest concern is that only 10 of us were flying from Chicago. The other nine were arriving in Krakow from various places, and would arrive without knowing we were delayed. Thank goodness for cell phones. Terri arranged for someone to meet them and take them back to the hotel until we got there.

But the plane arrived safe and sound. We got to our hotel, and after a shower and a meal I feel like a new person. I kept a running journal, which I'll try and add here later. They charge to use the internet, so I don't want to be too long.

I hope it's only lingering lack of sleep that's causing it, but I really just want to go home. Today was kind of our "free" day in Krakow. I hope once we get to the jobsite my attitude will straighten out, but right now.... I'm a little homesick. Okay, alot homesick. Perhaps I just need another Polish beer, haha.

My minutes are adding up, and if I go on complaining, I'll be out a fortune... so I'd better sign off.
We're going to Auschwitz tomorrow. I was really debating about whether I wanted to do that again. That was hard last year. I decided to go. After seeing that again, that should fix the whining for sure.

Then off to Gliwice to work!
Stay tuned- hopefully I'll be checking in a day or so with a better attitude.

Ready for takeoff. Somewhat.

Well it's finally here. I've been so busy being anxious, nervous, and downright terrified of the flight, I've kind of forgotten to get excited about the trip itself. Now that I'm quickly approaching the point of no return, I am starting to get excited. I'm looking forward to seeing some old friends from last year, and can't wait to meet the new ones. I can't wait to see how much progress has been made on Building #8 in a year. And I can already taste the borscht (spelling?) and kielbasa. Breakfast however, I am not looking forward to. I'm a banana and chocolate milk in the morning kind of girl. Lunchmeat and coleslaw at 6:30 in the morning doesn't do much for me. This year I'm prepared with a jar of peanut butter and some pop tarts.

So the anxiety's lessened somewhat.

Somewhat.

I just keep telling myself that by this time tomorrow I'll be there, safe and sound and laughing at myself for being such a giant baby.

Stay tuned!

Links to the Poland Trip Blog

Sooooooooooo...... in 1 day, 15 hours, and 16 minutes I'll be joining the rest of my team and heading to Poland!

This year the team travel blog will be written by my roommate, Andrea.
Check out the link here. You can also catch up on last year's blog here.
I'm also putting a permanent link to these two blogs on the sidebar.

Since I'm not writing the team blog this time around, I'm going to try and keep up on my own blog. I enjoyed writing the team blog last year, but I found it a little difficult to write from a team perspective and not just my own. It is all about me after all! HA!

I'm not sure how often I'll be able to get to the internet cafe, but check back periodically! The team blog will definitely be updated, so be sure to check that out too. I think you can actually get on an e-mail list and be e-mailed when a new entry is posted. Isn't technology wonderful?

And say a prayer or two for the flights, would you? I'm trying to be a big girl, but I'm still half terrified out of my mind of flying.

Scaredy cat, scaredy cat, Melissa is a scaredy cat

I'm not going. To Poland. I'm not getting on that plane.

Nope.

I've decided.

Not gonna.

idontwanna.

No way.

no how.

nuh-uh.

nope.

no.

well... maybe I'll still go.

think I can take a boat instead?

I'm slightly pathetic.....

Haunting Memories- Wordless Wednesday

I've watched a few movies about the Holocaust over the last couple weeks. With the trip back to Poland coming up soon.... it's been on my mind alot. These were taken last year at the visit to Auschwitz.

Thanks, but I think I'll take the stairs

"Melissa! I heard you're going back to Poland this summer. When do you leave?"

"August 13. I'm really excited."

"I'm happy for you. By the way, did you hear about that French plane that disappeared over the Atlantic last week?"

Gulp. Seriously. Why do people say things like that?!?

There are two things that terrify me. Elevators and flying.

I hate elevators. I avoid them at all costs. A few years back I went with a friend to a conference in DC. Our hotel room was on the 10th floor. She thought I was insane, but I took the stairs. "Lis, that's nuts. It'll take you twice as long to walk those stairs than if you just got in the elevator."
Yes, I realize this. But somethings are just not worth the fear. When I have to get in an elevator, it is all I can do to keep from breaking into a panic attack. My throat closes, my heart races, and my eyesight starts to blur around the edges. It's all I can do to remind myself to breathe. A friend had suggested that I should see someone about "getting over my irrational fear". Do you know what that entails?? They make you GET IN an elevator! And leave you there! And make it shake and do all kinds of horrid things.
God gave me two perfectly good legs. I'm perfectly content with my very rational fear. So thanks but no thanks, I'll take the stairs.

Flying isn't quite as bad, but it's close. I'm okay once I'm actually in the air. But it's the days and weeks and even months leading up to it that are insufferable. I get so anxious that I simply have to force myself not to think about it. But the thought springs up out of the blue and leaves my hands clammy and my pulse racing.

"what if, what if, what if..."

Now I KNOW the statistics. You're more likely to be in a car accident than in a plane accident. Yada, yada, yada. I bet the people on that French air plane told themselves the same thing.

"what if, what if, what if...."

Thoughts of Emily worry me constantly. What if something bad happens to me too? (knock on wood). In light of Emily's death, is it selfish to knowingly put yourself in the situation where something bad could happen? (double knock on wood).

If Emily were here, she would tell me to get over myself. And then she'd tell me that if I didn't go, I couldn't bring her back a present.

So I drive myself to distraction worrying about this for months. And as the plane is taking off, I'm making the sign of the cross and holding onto my cross necklace. (Is Catholicism genetic? The only time I do that is flying. I think that's the Irish in me coming out.) But once we're up--- I start to breathe again. I suppose I figure by then it's too late to do anything about it. Totally beyond my control. I still get nervous when I feel the plane move, but it's not a paralyzing fear that I get in the months leading up to the flight.

I'm hoping it'll be easier this year. Last year I got stuck by myself on the opposite side of the plane from our team members. With a seatmate who didn't speak English, and who took great advantage of Polish Airlines never ending supply of free Vodka. Seriously? Open bar on an airplane? Does that make ANY sense? Oy. There is nothing more unsettling than waking up to find a strange man's hand on your knee. And I discovered that there are some things that cross a language barrier with lightning speed. One of those things is a slap.
This year I made sure to get a seat with the rest of the team. So once I get to Chicago and meet up with everyone hopefully it will be easier since I'll be able to wile away the hours talking instead of fending myself off from drunk seatmates and watching American cartoons in Polish... (by the way, did you know that Donald Duck sounds exactly the same in Polish as he does in American?! )

A friend told me laughingly that it's too bad my alternative to flying isn't quite as easy as my alternative to elevators. A boat to Poland would take much, much longer. And these days the ocean seems to be infested with pirates. If I had to choose between the "what-if's" in my head and a band of pirates... I think I'll take the plane.

This same friend also found it amusing that I stress more before the flight than when I'm on it. "Lis, that's a little backwards isn't it? Most people are afraid during the flight."

Yes well.... that's me. I'm a walking abnormality.

Given the choice, I think I'd rather be a wreck for an eight hour flight than for the 8 months leading up to it. Actually, if I've got the power to choose... I'd rather not be afraid at all.

But what makes something worth the fear? I get almost as nervous about flying as I do about getting in an elevator. Now, if someone I loved was in trouble and was on the 10th floor of a building, and I was the only person who could help them..... you bet your you-know-what I'd be on that elevator quicker than you could say boo.

So something beyond yourself is kind of worth the fear.

I suppose that's what keeps me going when I start thinking about Poland. The thought that for whatever reason, this is where I feel called to go. This isn't a vacation trip for me, or a sightseeing tour. I really feel a tug on my heart when I think of those families who have been waiting so long for a house. And that makes my fears a little easier to deal with.

A little.

I don't want to become a slave to my fears. I don't want my fears to keep me from living. There are still so many places I want to see - most which require flying. And next year I'm hoping to go somewhere different with Habitat. Which also will require flying. So I'll get on my plane.

But the elevator is a different story. There are some fears that don't need to be conquered. When it comes to that.... thanks, but I'll keep taking my stairs.

Not quite Africa.....

I'm going back to Poland again in August. I had pretty much decided before my plane even left Krakow last year that I was going back. When Terri e-mailed me a couple weeks later asking me if I wanted to join them again, I didn't hesitate before responding with a YES.
I think it's hard to put into words what happens to you on a mission trip. It takes your pre-conceived notions and turns them upside down for one thing. When I told people I was going to Poland to help with Habitat for Humanity, I did get a few strange looks. Kind of like, if you're going on a mission trip, why Poland? It's just not quite Africa. When you hear mission, you think third world. I did the same thing. But third world kind of scares me. (Lord, if you are listening.... I don't want to go to Africa!). I like my creature comforts, and malaria and bugs and dirty water is a little more than I can deal with at the moment. And I felt kind of guilty for feeling that way, and I definitely didn't like to use the word mission in conjunction with my trip. I wasn't going to help people in extreme poverty... I wasn't going to preach the Word to people who'd never heard it.... I wasn't helping orphans... or feeding starving children. I was "just" going to Poland.

Well let me tell you about the people I met. We had a chance to spend an afternoon with one of the families that will be living in Building 8. A family of 4- Alexandra, Stanislaw, and their 2 children- Nicoleta who is 12, and Andrew, who is 2. Nicola is the sweetest little girl. Her English definitely put my Polish to shame. They took us to their flat- a one bedroom apartment. The kids slept in the bedroom, and their parents slept on a pull-out sofa in the living room/dining room. Their entire apartment could have fit into my downstairs living room. But oh, how happy they were! Their apartment was filled with books and games. No computer, no video games... none of the stuff that we tend to plug into. Nicola spoke the most English, but Alexandra knew quite a bit as well. Between Nicola, and a dictionary, we managed to laugh our way through the afternoon. Several times Alexandra would be trying to find the English word for something. She'd get flustered and start flipping through her dictionary. She'd try and describe it, and I'd suggest a word and it was the one she was searching for. Her face would light up and she'd beam at me and say "yes, yes, you understand me!" It was so precious. At one point Alexandra was trying to thank us for coming and building a house for them. She got so choked up that I don't think she could have even said anything in Polish. She held out her hands to the three of us, then folded her arms across her heart. I cried. In that moment the barriers between a spoiled American and a "poor" Polish woman fell down. Love is a language that is universal, and needs no words. She was thanking us, but I should have been thanking her. A need is a need, and what this family needed was a house. No, this wasn't a family living in poverty in Africa.

But not everyone can go to Africa. My pride was taken down a few pegs that afternoon. I was thinking that because I wasn't "sacrificing" by going to someplace like Africa, then it wasn't really worthy to be considered a mission trip. Well I learned that day that I wasn't "just" in Poland. It changed my outlook on the week ahead, and what we were there to do. And in the days that followed in the midst of some frustrating moments, I would remember Alexandra's happy, tear filled eyes, and suddenly the situation didn't seem so frustrating.

August can't get here quick enough. And just a little plug- if you'd like to consider donating to my trip--- it sure would be appreciated. Alexandra and their family's story is just one of many. This housing complex we are building is changing the lives of so many families that just need a little help.
I have a special website set up that you can donate to online, (check it out here!)and it gives a little more information about the trip, what your donation will be going to, and some information about Thrivent Builds/Habitat for Humanity. Also, if you missed it and would like to catch up through last year's blog, here is a link to that too. (Which was written in part by yours truly!) Since I was the "official" blog writer on the trip last year, I really didn't get to write alot about the week from my perspective. I don't really do well writing from a third person point of view. I'm definitely a details, feelings, me-oriented, type of writer. This year is someone else's turn to write the team blog, so I'll have time to write whatever I want on mine. Stay tuned! :)

Poland 2008, unfinished draft

(rescued from the "drafts" folder)

One thing that I don't think I really got to share was how Emily ended up being a part of my trip after all. She was so excited for me that I was going, and had all these great ideas how she was going to help me raise the money to go. Emily was not the kind of girl that liked to work hard or get dirty... but she was the girl who would give her all to help you do it. After she died, raising the $1,500.00 to go was the absolute last thing on my mind. In fact, I'd come to the conclusion that I wasn't going to go at all. I couldn't afford it, I didn't have the heart to do it. I had intended to e-mail Terri and tell her I was canceling, but I got busy at work and never got around to it. That same night, my parents sat me down and told me that they wanted to give me part of the money from Emily's life insurance to pay for the trip. Talk about not knowing what to say. And it struck me that in my haste to give up so quickly, I never even once talked that decision over with God. Never thought to leave it in His hands. Nope, I just decided on my own that I wasn't going. I'm very quick to give up when things start to look difficult. He obviously had different intentions. It amazes me how He answers prayers, even the ones we didn't know we asked.
So I never sent the e-mail to Terri, never told her that I almost cancelled on her.

Towards the end of the work week, our Habitat host Adam seemed really preoccupied and worried. There are many teams of volunteers throughout the year that work with HFH in Gliwice, but in addition to the volunteers, they also have paid Polish workers. Adam had said they weren't sure they would have enough money to pay the men the next day. Later on, a beaming Terri told me she had a special surprise for Adam. A Thrivent team typically consists of a minimum of 10 people. Part of the money we have to raise is a donation to the local Habitat affiliate. $10,000 per team. Our team was 20 people, so Thrivent decided to up the donation to $20,000. Terri had just received the offical okay to let Adam know. That extra $10,000 insured they would be able to pay the workers on time. Then came the kicker-- Terri told me that if even one person had cancelled, Thrivent wouldn't have been able to give the extra money.
Whoa.
Again, I cried. Then I told Terri how close I came to not coming, and then she cried. God managed to work through a mess inspite of myself.
I hate the phrase "everything happens for a reason". I do not believe for a moment that Emily died for a "specific reason" or a "purpose". But I do believe that He works through the most awful of circumstances. While it certainly doesn't justify or make her death any easier, it does serve as a reminder that He can bring something beautiful from a whole lot of ugly.

We painted a square on the side of our trailer and we all signed our names. Terri added one more "Anoit Emily" (Angel in Polish). It certainly was not the way we had planned, but she helped me get there after all.

poland 2009

I got an e-mail from my team leader from the Poland trip. I'm going back to Poland again next year. She mentioned in her e-mail that they may have another single girl going who could possibly be a room-mate while we're there. And while that's cool, and I'm excited about going back... even that made me miss Emily. I know I joke about how Emily was not one for getting dirty. Or doing hard work. But I think I could have convinced her to go with me. I think once I'd been and could tell her what to expect, she would have gone. And I know I could have gotten her once I told her that beer was cheaper than water and soda. Because the reality is, even though Emily was high maintenance, she really did have a heart of gold. And a soft spot for people who were hurting. I had a wonderful time, and I made lasting friendships with some of the people I went with. But there were several times when I was there that I found myself wishing that I had someone there with me. I took so many pictures of people standing together in front of buildings with their cameras. It made me wish for someone to stand beside me. And Lord knows I didn't want a picture of just myself. I wanted my sister. And I realized that I would have felt that way even if she wasn't gone...

(unfinished draft, posted 5-8-09)

Link to travel blog

http://www.travelblog.org/Bloggers/Team2008Poland/

So I was elected to be the official travel-blog writer for the Poland trip.
If you want to follow along and see what we’re up to- there’s the link.

I found out that we’re taking a tour of the Opel car manufacturing plant while we’re there. Be sure to keep an eye out for the blog on that one. It should be an exciting event.

Three days. I leave in three days….. yikes.

I ordered a luggage set for my trip. They’re very pretty, if luggage can be called pretty. They’re purple.  But smaller than I expected. Em would have taken one look and told me that I needed bigger ones, because I’d need more room to bring back stuff.

I’m really nervous about that flight. Never realized I was such a wimp about flying, but I’m slightly freaked out. And I miss Emily. She’d be driving me nuts, trying to make me feel better, but saying all the wrong things. And pestering me about bringing her presents. (Notice I used the plural form of present…)

I’m excited about going, but then I feel guilty for being excited, then I feel dumb for feeling guilty…

Fears

I’m really nervous about going to Poland next month. Not about being there, or not knowing the language, or any of that. I’m looking forward to the trip itself. I think it’s going to be an awesome, amazing experience. Our team leader sent us some information about the families who will be living in the homes we are building. Their stories really touched my heart. Most of them are the ones that kind of fall through the cracks. They aren’t the poorest of the poor, yet for whatever reason they’ve fallen on some rough times. But because they make too much, they don’t qualify for government assistance. I’m looking forward to meeting these people, and I really feel like I’m being called to help. So that’s not what I’m nervous about. I’m scared to fly. I keep thinking, “what if something happens to the plane?” I know the statistics, and how many flights there are every hour without incident… but still, it happens. And I’m scared. Not really for myself- more for my family and friends. What if something happens to me so close on the heels of Emily? I don’t think our family could handle another tragedy right now. I know that sounds narcissistic, but it’s true. Not now. If there wasn’t so much money put into this, and the trip non-refundable, I think I’d back out. I’m being morbid, I know… but still. It could happen. I get an almost sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think about flying there, and flying back. I’m trying to trust God- but I still can’t help but worry. And I know I can’t be afraid to live my life because of the “what-ifs”. If Emily hadn’t died, I’d still be nervous about flying- but I’d still go. But her death changed everything. Now I’m scared for different reasons.

Arrgh.