Christmas is coming

I can hardly believe that it's already December. Today is really the first day that reminds me of Pennsylvania December weather. It's rainy and cold. But even still-- I'll take the 48 degrees over the 28 degrees any day! I will admit, it still doesn't quite feel like Christmas yet.

Around this time last year I was a mess. I couldn't decide which was worse- facing Christmas without Emily, or not having Christmas at all. Everything was a reminder of what I had lost. But yet last year, I ended up finding solace in the Christmas Eve service. And that simple service ended up bringing more healing than I ever expected.

This year Christmas is different. We started hauling Lauren's decorations down from the attic this past weekend. The lighted wreath is up, the Christmas knick knacks are coming out, and now I even have a stocking on the fireplace. Lauren was insistent on putting out some of my decorations too, so we're using my Nativity scene. We're going to get the Christmas tree this weekend- a real tree, which I am giddily excited about.

But it isn't quite the same. The trappings of Christmas are going to look a little different this year. I'm a little bummed about money and not having a job. And yeah, I miss having an office to decorate, and I'm sad that I won't be singing in the choir's Christmas cantata. It's not the same familiar decorations I am used to, and the memories that go along with them. The cookies Lauren's making aren't the same as my mother's. And no one can decorate a house for Christmas quite like my mom. I am going back to Pennsylvania for Christmas- but not until the 23rd. It's fun being here and getting ready for Christmas with Lauren and Rachel, but yet it's different.

I think they call it... growing up.

But that being said- I don't have that overwhelming sense of dread and sorrow that I did last year. I still miss Emily more than words can say. And I still get teary-eyed when I think about that macaroni leaf. And I still feel guilty that for all those years I hung her godchild ornaments on the backside of the tree. And I know I'll wake up in the middle of the night Christmas Eve looking for her in the bed across from mine, and I can already feel the pang of sorrow when I remember she won't be there. But I won't let it debilitate me like I did last year.

But the most important part of Christmas is not tied up in any of those things. I learned that last year, and that's changed my perspective.

Aside from seeing my family again, I'm anticipating the Christmas Eve services the most. It's the one place I can let go of all the trappings of Christmas and embrace the true meaning. That's the one thing I have this year that I didn't have last year. This time when the memories grow dark and I find myself slipping into sadness, I have the memory of that candle-lit service to hang onto.