Heather

I got the phone call today. Well, two phone calls and a text message. They came about two hours ago.

Heather died this morning.

I knew as soon as I saw the name on the caller id on my cell phone that she was gone. I stared at it, paralyzed, not answering. As if not answering would somehow make the message on the voicemail not true.

As I listened... I think I felt my heart break.

And then I cried into Lauren's lap for an hour. The nasty, heaving, sobbing, "ugly" cry. The kind of cry that I haven't done since the day Emily died. And God bless her, Laurie didn't say a word. Just sat with me, held me, and let me cry.

Oh how I wanted to believe that He was going to heal her! How I so desperately wanted my cynical outlook to be proven wrong! It's not fair. I want to wail at the sky and curl up in a ball and close my eyes and pretend it's all a bad dream.

She can't be gone. Not Heather. Not my friend.

I keep thinking of the last time I saw her. The last time I heard her laugh. The last time I hugged her.

I never cry. And now I can't stop. And I don't know if I'm crying for her, or for myself. Maybe both.

I think her memorial service is Wednesday. I can't decide if I want to make the drive and go. Part of me feels that I owe it to her memory. Part of me wonders if it really matters.

I guess I'll make that decision when I'm thinking a little clearer.

Oh Heather..... I miss you already.