I've been rather mopey the last few days, and honestly haven't felt like writing anything. Especially writing about something to be thankful for. I came up with a few half-hearted thoughts... but I've learned that trying to force the words when they won't come usually never works. Everything I was writing about felt... flat and hollow. Like the writing assignments you had to do in English class on a book that you hated. My English teacher could always tell when I was writing about a topic I could care less about. She said the writing was sound, but she could always tell when it was missing the heart. That's how I've been feeling about my little month-long assignment the last couple days. That the words were there, but not so much the heart. Then I was frustrated at myself that I couldn't even stick to the whole being thankful thing for a measly little month.
But, how sincere is gratitude if it has to be forced? When the heart of gratitude is missing... it ends up being just a few empty words.
We had our life group meeting last night. I really wasn't in the mood to be there- but since they meet at our house, it's kind of hard to find an excuse to miss it. I should probably apologize to them- I wasn't the greatest of company. One thing that the counseling sessions I went to taught me was learning to recognize and read the signs, or "triggers", that something wasn't right. I think it only took Jack two sessions to pick up on the fact that when something has me upset, or when I'm holding back on saying something, I start chewing on my thumbnail. And that when I'm nervous or upset or dwelling on something- I start shredding things. Last night I was up to two napkins, and halfway through tearing my paper plate to bits before I realized what I was doing.
So then I started running through all the things that could be contributing to the shredding of paper products... and I came up with quite a list. I miss Heather. I'm sad about my grandfather. I keep picturing my other grandparents empty house and it depresses the heck out of me. I'm frustrated that I don't have a job. I'm so thankful to be here, but in some ways I still don't quite feel at home. I worry about what will happen if I can't find a job. I'm wracking my brain trying to figure out what I even want to do with my life. I'm lonely, in some ways. I am not looking forward to Christmas AT ALL, and that depresses me. I love Christmas. I do want to see my family for the holidays, but I don't want to make that drive again. I'm worried about Lauren's job situation. Some days I'm not sure what my role is here. And of course, there's the ever present hole in my life that is Emily.
I wasn't paying much attention to the discussion last night, to my chargrin. And when it came to my turn for prayer requests- instead of sharing some of that stuff... I clammed up. I really like the girls in the group. And I know that they genuinely care, and would listen. But I just couldn't bring myself to open up. In some ways, I still feel a little out of place. And yet, I can come to a computer and spill my guts to who knows who out there reading this. Maybe because this allows for a little anonymity. There's a measure of safety in typed words on a screen. Computers don't talk back.
In a strange way, I guess today I'm kind of thankful for feeling thank-less. All my life I've had the tendancy to ignore my feelings. To bottle them up, and wait for it to go away. My therapist told me that once I recognized a "trigger"- I had to make a conscious choice. Either deal with whatever's bothering me, or push it aside. Alot of what's bothering me isn't really something that can be "dealt with" or easily fixed- it's pretty much all in my head. But Jack also told me that allowing the feelings to just be is also a way of dealing with it. "Let yourself be upset, mad, sad, angry, etc." he told me. "Just don't let it become all consuming."
So today I think I'll do just that. I'll recognize that I can't make myself feel something I don't, and I'll try to be okay with that. I'll acknowledge that there are somethings that are beyond my control and that I'm just going to have to learn to deal. I'll miss Emily, and Heather, and yet still thank Him for the memories I have of them. I'll snap out of my moody blues, and it will once again be safe for paper prodcuts to be within my grasp.
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