Catching up

I haven’t been keeping up with this blog as much as I would have liked to. Let me re-phrase that… I haven’t been posting entries on here as much as I would have liked to. I’ve actually been writing like crazy- and then not posting them. Partly because I’ve taken to writing on paper rather than typing on the computer. I cleaned out my purse the other day and found wads of notebook paper full of my messy scribbles. No wonder my purse was so heavy. It seems that the writing bug always strikes me at work- which is not exactly the best time to be spending time on the internet. So I jot it down quickly on paper, (all the while pretending to be working, haha) with the intention of posting it online later. But as a true procrastinator, later never seemed to come, and my purse just kept getting heavier.
I’m tired of lugging all that weight around (boy is that a metaphor!!) so I’ve tried to sort through them and make some sort of order out of a huge mess.

But the main reason I haven’t posted was because I just wasn’t sure what to say anymore. I got caught up in trying to write for “someone”, and I really wasn’t writing for me. I was writing what I thought I should be feeling, and editing out the stuff that was too heavy. I was afraid I’d written too much, that pouring out my pain and “ick” was too depressing. Narcissistic, yes? I’ve got all kinds of half-finished blog entries I never posted because I couldn’t find a positive note to end on.

I realized though that this is a journey. And those words that I wrote were a part of me at that time- sometimes not eloquent, sometimes disjointed, but always me. And re-reading some of those pain-filled entries has made me see where I was, but also how far I’ve come.

So I’ve decided to go back and post them anyway. Most of them—there are some that I just can’t quite share yet. Maybe someday, but not just yet.
I’ve posted them on the dates that I typed and saved them, just because I want to keep them in order. If you want to go back and read them… here’s the links. There’s quite a few…

Joy in the Midst of Sorrow 4-12-08
Rollercoaster 5-08-08
Time 5-12-08
Calendar Verse 5-14-08
Don’t Cry 6-4-08
Nervous breakdown 6-9-08
Penguins 6-12-08
Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day 6-13-08
Lonely 6-14-08
Pretending 6-16-08
Birthday cards and root canals 7-7-08
Too soon 7-9-08
Pieces 7-13-08
The ghost at the altar 8-4-08
Angels 9-14-08
Falling Apart 11-5-08
Missing her 1-4-09
Walls, walls, walls 1-15-09
They say 2-3-09
A quote that actually means something… 2-7-09
Picture 2-7-09
Valentine’s Day 2-13-09
The beauty of children..... 2-24-09
Hesitating and hurting. 3-1-09
Thoughts 3-3-09
Birthdays 3-2-09
11 Months 3-3-09
Stay away, it hurts too much 3-6-09
Voices, questions, struggles… 3-13-09
Choosing to remember 3-25-09
So now what do I do? 3-27-09
April 1st 4-1-09
A sand dollar and a sign 4-11-09
Celebrate 4-15-09
Emily’s Tree 4-18-09