Big Steps

It took one year and 26 days, but I finally did it. I made an appointment with a counselor and Tuesday night I went for the first session.
It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. But I’m glad that I finally did it. I reached the point where I was just so sick and tired of being so miserable. I felt like I’d hit the bottom. I had no more tears, no more prayers, no more excuses. I was finally able to admit that I needed help.
I went not expecting much. But I was surprised at how easy it was to talk. And how even after one session, I already feel a little lighter. I feel like I am going to walk through this and walk into the sunshine again. But most importantly, I was reassured that I am in fact, not crazy.
I’ve been toying with the idea of a counselor for months. And so many people were urging me to go….my pastor, a co-worker, and Lauren suggested it once or twice. I even picked up the phone several times and hung up before I finished dialing the number. I’d tell myself that I didn’t really need to go, that I’d work it out on my own.
The fact is I was just downright scared. I was afraid I would be like Emily and end up on medicine. I saw what depression did to her, and it terrified me that I was the same way. Ignorance is bliss, right?
What it boils down to is pride. Too proud to ask for help, to proud to accept help, to proud to admit I was, and am, falling apart.
So what changed my mind? I think I was slowly getting close to going. What tipped me over the edge was Laurie. While we were at the beach, I did have one “melt down day”. I found myself pouring out all kinds of things to her- things beyond what just a listening, caring ear could fix. And she didn’t try to “fix” anything. She didn’t tell me what to do, or try to have me committed. (hahaha). She listened and let me talk- but did say one thing that struck me to the core. She said “Melissa, I really wish that you would think about talking to someone. You have to be okay, because I couldn’t stand it if something happened to you.”
I love Lauren like a sister. She is a sister. We share a closeness and a bond that is unlike any friendship I’ve ever had. And the thought of her being as miserable about me as I am about Emily made me seriously reconsider the whole counselor thing.

(unfinished draft. Posted 9-29-09)