That little voice deep within resurfaced again today. I’ve been trying like anything to keep it stifled and quiet. But just when I really start to gear up for a whizz-bang of a pity-party….that voice rudely shows up uninvited.
“Lis, if you had the power to bring her back this instant, would you do it?”
My feathers ruffle, and I become indignant. Of course I would! What a ridiculously stupid question! I mean SERIOUSLY. I miss her! My parents miss her. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, sorority sisters….we all miss her terribly.
But that voice is persistent, and I can’t shake the question. Would I? Would I really wish her back to this? To shots and illness and constantly feeling sick? To depression and sadness and anger and pain? To anxiety and lack of self-confidence? Am I selfish enough to wish her back to all of this?
I don’t know.
I’ve been struggling with this all morning.
I believe with every fiber of my being that Emily is in Heaven. I believe that because it’s the only thing that gives me hope. Because it’s the only thing that makes sense to me. I can’t come to grips with the belief that this life is all there is, and then nothing. I have to believe that somewhere she is happy, she is healthy, and she is at peace.
So if I believe that… if that knowledge that Heaven is there waiting is true… if that’s what my entire faith is based on….shouldn’t I be rejoicing that she’s there instead of wanting her back here?
I’m so confused.
It’s hard to swallow, but the little voice that I try so hard to ignore has a point. And deep, deep, deep down I know the answer to the question. I just don’t want to bring myself to admit it.
“The Lord will be your everlasting light, and your days of sorrow will end” ~Isaiah 60:20
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