Choosing to remember

As the dreaded day gets closer, I find myself thinking more and more about Emily. As if I haven’t been thinking about her enough. I don’t know why the 1st is really any different than the last 365 days, but the closer it gets, the more it hurts.
I went away this past weekend with my Aunt Lisa and my Aunt Janet. We went on an all-weekend scrapbooking getaway at a conference center outside of Philly. It was soo good to get away- to laugh and just have a good time. Truthfully, that Friday morning I really did not want to go. Not because I was afraid that I wouldn’t have fun, but because my mood seems to change so quickly, I was afraid I’d get a sudden case of the “blues”. I didn’t want to be a downer and spoil the weekend for anyone else. Dumb, huh? But I’m so glad I got over myself and went.
I didn’t realize though when I grabbed the photos that I wanted to work with, I had picked up the pictures from Easter at the beach last year. As I looked at them, I felt sick to my stomach for a minute. I had an amazing time….but that’s also where I was the last week of Emily’s life. I looked at those pictures, taken exactly a year ago, and couldn’t believe how much things had changed. I looked at the pictures of me smiling, and it struck me how that was the last time I was truly happy. That was probably the last photo taken of me with a genuine smile. And the smiling me in the photo had no idea her world would be turned upside down just a few days from that moment.
It happened so suddenly, and without warning. There was no way I could have known when I left what was coming. But yet, I don’t think I will ever really get over not being here. Or that I let an entire week go by without talking to her. The one thing that I am so thankful for though is that at least it didn’t happen while I was there. I never would have been able to drive back.
Looking at those pictures made me realize just how quickly life can change, even in just a year. But it also makes me realize that there’s no way to go back. Like the images imprinted on that paper, the past can’t be erased. Those pictures are both salve and salt for an open wound. Those pictures captured tons of happy memories, with two of my favorite people in the world. And they’re a bitter reminder of the happiness that was taken from me. So I had a choice. I could take all those pictures from that trip and shove them in a box so the memories don’t hurt. Or I could look at them and choose to remember and hang onto the happiness that was there that week.

I choose to remember.