A sand dollar and a sign

I ended up, of course, going to South Carolina to spend spring break with Lauren and Rachel. I was kind of waffling there a month or so ago. We’d decided to go ahead and go to the beach house. Figured Laurie could hunt for a job there just as well as she could sitting at home. But as it turns out, she didn’t have to. She found out on the day before I went down that she got a job! Such a relief!

As I think I wrote before, I was really looking forward to seeing them, but in a small way dreading the trip. The memories of last year were really weighing heavy on my heart as I made that drive down.

Last year, even though I had some things that were troubling me, I was generally fairly happy. I’d needed to get away to clear my head, to bounce some stuff off of Lauren, but all in all- I was pretty much okay.

This time though, I needed to get away to try and mend the pieces of a shattered heart. In a way, it was kind of fitting after all that I was going to the place where I was last truly happy. When we got to the beach house, my eyes immediately went to the kitchen chair- that was the last place I spoke to Emily. Sitting on that chair while Lauren was, as usual, making something in the kitchen and, as usual, insisting that I didn’t need to do anything but sit and relax. With Laurie, sometimes it’s easier to just do what she tells you to do.  I think Em and I talked about what to get Mom for her birthday. And then she fussed at me because I hadn’t given her any ideas about what I wanted for my birthday. Just general chit-chat. I’m not a big phone person, so I don’t usually hang on for long. I wish now that I’d never hung up. And as I stood there, reliving that conversation from a year ago, oh how I missed her. But it didn’t hurt quite as much as I was afraid it would.

The next morning I got up early to go walk on the beach. I almost woke Laurie up to go with me, but I felt like that morning I just needed to do some walking on my own. And some talking to God. I’d been kind of ignoring Him lately.

I got to the shore line and there was not a soul on the beach. I can’t describe the feeling of seeing the ocean stretching out forever, and feeling like I was the only one there. In that moment, listening to the waves crashing, and feeling the wind tugging at my hair, I felt a sense of peace wash over me. I turned my face to the sky, and said “If only I could know that she’s okay. That’s all I need to know.”

I started walking, and had taken one or two steps when I looked down and saw a sand dollar at my feet. A whole one.

I love sand dollars. They are my favorite shells. I look for whole ones every time I go to the beach. I have a box full of pieces of broken sand dollars, but I’d never found a whole one.

Emily used to laugh at me all the time and tell me if I wanted one that badly, I could just go to the island store and buy one. But those don’t count. They probably aren’t even real- they’re probably made in China.

So when I saw this one in the sand, I picked it up and stared at it. And then I cried. Me, the one who never cries. It was whole, but the top was caked with sand and barnacles. I don’t know if I’ll be able to scrape that stuff off or not. But it doesn’t matter. It was there. It was whole. I’d asked for a sign.

I know some people may say that it’s a coincidence. But I don’t believe in coincidences. I believe with all my heart that He still finds ways to speak to us when we’re hurting, even without a voice.

And as I walked a little further, there was another one lying in the sand. Smaller, but still whole, with sand caked in the exact same spot as the first one.
2 whole ones in the span of ten minutes? I’ve searched for one for years. And the two were so much alike, yet still different. One big, one small- both bearing scars, yet still relatively whole.

Coincidence? No way. Somewhere Emily is happy and whole, washed clean of barnacles and sand. I believe that with all my heart. I asked for a sign, and I got an answer.

I was so excited to tell Lauren. I practically ran back to the house. I knew she’d get the meaning behind the story.

Later that week we walked to the other side of the island. She’d told me that morning that she’d prayed she’d find one or two herself. Guess how many we found that day. 10. All whole. Coincidence? Not a chance.

I found more healing this past week than I thought I would. And A LOT of fun. I felt- dare I say it?- happy. And more importantly, I didn’t feel guilty for being happy. Somehow, being away from the constant reminders of Emily everywhere I turn makes processing it just a little bit easier.

Last year was an ending, even though I didn’t realize it at the time. It’s a reminder of the last of life the way I knew it. But this year was a promise of a new beginning- that things will turn around….and a reminder that He does care about the details.

Sometimes He speaks so we can hear.
Sometimes He speaks through other people.
Sometimes He speaks through something as small as a shell.