April 1st

I’ve been angrier at God than I realized. Maybe angry isn’t the right word. Resentful, maybe. And yes, slightly pissed. Not because He allowed it to happen. Bad things happen all the time- the first five minutes of the nightly news tells you that much. And I’m not conceited enough to think that I should be immune to suffering. I think I’m struggling most with how it happened, the timing, and just the simple fact that I have felt so very alone for the last year.

But in all fairness, I think much of that loneliness is by my own doing. After Emily died, I shut down and kept everyone away. People can only be rebuffed so many times before they give up. I’ve been waiting for someone to come and help, and then growling when they get too close. I’ve been surly, curt, and rude- and sometimes downright mean. And I’ve justified it all because I “deserve” to be unhappy.
But I don’t want to be unhappy, not really. I’m tired of carrying around this hollow feeling in my chest. I’ve been blaming God for being distant, when in reality I’m the one who walked away.

I was a mess this morning. I was really starting to sink into a pity pit. And almost enjoying it. Because for a long time I’ve felt nothing. I want to feel something, even if it hurts.

But then I received three e-mails in a row from three of my friends I made on my trip to Poland last year- one from Terri, then one from Chuck, and finally one from Kelly.

While all three of them touched my heart, Kelly’s e-mail got to me the most- and she probably didn’t realize the impact her words would have, but what she said completely changed my perspective on today.

I have a choice. I can keep my heart closed off from everyone I love, or I can risk being open and embrace the hurt instead of allowing it to consume me. Because right now I’m slowly poisoning myself with bitterness. It clouds the way I look at everything. Embracing it and dealing with it is the only way I’m going to get through it.

I think perhaps it’s not really God I’m angry at. I think I’m just mad at me.