Shoes

In Her Shoes is probably one of my all-time favorite movies. For so many reasons. One- it was about sisters. Two, it was about shoes. And I LOVE shoes. Mom often jokes that she should have named me Imelda. Three- because of that movie Emily gave me the best gift I’ve ever received. Four, more than just a movie about sisters- it was a movie that could have been about us. The basic story is about two sisters- the somewhat un-cool, slightly bossy, take-charge, picking up the pieces older sister, and the pretty, popular, carefree, irresponsible younger sister. And as I watched this movie, the parallels between the characters and Emily and I were unbelievable. It was like they had peeked into our lives and put it on the big screen. And I remember thinking to myself that Emily, in her oblivion to all things subtle, probably hadn’t even picked up on it.

I won’t spoil the ending of the movie, but in one of the last scenes, the younger sister recites a poem to her older sister by ee cummings, titled “i carry your heart.” That had both of us crying. ee cummings is one of my favorite poets, and that particular poem is beautiful. Now, fast forward a few months to Christmas morning. Emily made me open her gift first, and I still remember the look on her face. It was excited, yet hesitant and fearful- like she was afraid I was going to hate it. I opened the box, and Emily had gotten my grandmother to write that poem in calligraphy, and had it framed with pictures of the two of us. I saw it, and I burst into tears. Heaving sobs was more like it. I was beautiful. To my chagrin, I underestimated Emily. She got the point of the movie… probably even more than I did. That picture is one of my most treasured possessions. It’s the best gift I’ve ever gotten.


I wrote earlier that I love shoes. I wanted to see the movie just because it was about shoes. . Emily always teased me about my love of shoes, and the many, many pairs I had. I’ve got more than I really know what to do with. But about a year ago- the teasing suddenly stopped. You want to know why? Emily got a job at Payless Shoes. That came with a 20% employee discount. See where I’m going with this? Suddenly, Emily fell in love with shoes too. I counted hers- she had me beat by at least 10 pairs. And to add insult to injury, because of the fact that my feet are four sizes bigger than hers, I can’t even wear any of them. But back to the movie- the older sister has closets full of shoes. I was practically drooling in the theater as I thought about how awesome it would be to have a whole closet just of shoes. Emily thought it was hysterical. But what gets me, especially now, is the deeper meaning behind what those shoes in the movie represented. About how neither sister really put themselves in the other’s place- in the other sister’s shoes.
And I realized that I’ve never really even tried to put myself in Emily’s. I spent a lot of time telling her what I thought she should do, and fussing at her when she didn’t do it, and not understanding why she wouldn’t do it. To me it was black and white- you take your medicine, and you don’t eat the things you shouldn’t. But Emily was not a black and white person- she was colored with all the shades of gray in between. And while it seemed black and white to me, I never really put myself in her place. I never put myself in her shoes. I never thought about how hard it must have been for her on a daily basis. She made some bad choices… but I never stopped to think about the reasons why she wasn’t taking care of herself properly- all I knew is that she wasn’t. What it all comes down to is that I’ve never fit into Emily’s shoes- physically or emotionally.

Sisters come in so many different ways. I’ve said it before, that Emily and I had a rough time the last few years. We were close- but only in certain areas. We confided in each other, but we both had our secrets and kept things back. It didn’t bother me that I wasn’t the one that Emily confided in. We just didn’t have that relationship. But I think it drove her nuts that I didn’t tell her everything. Irrational, yes; but in Emily-land it made perfect sense. It was different because it was her.
In many ways, my cousin Lauren is like another sister. We’re a lot alike, and she understands me in a way that a lot of people don’t. Mainly because I let her- because I don’t shut her out like I do most people. The way I often did to Emily. I never used those words to describe Laurie in front of Emily, because I knew it would hurt her. As many shades of gray she was, some things were black and white. In Emily’s mind, sisters were sisters, and friends were friends. You didn’t have friends who were sisters. In the same way that I never understood Emily, Emily in turn didn’t always understand me. I saw things in shades of gray. I wasn’t like Emily and had a whole group of friends I was close with. I have friends, but only a very few people I really confide in. I never thought of them as sisters in place of Emily, but in addition to her. And I could never make her understand that there was no one that could take her place in my heart. The difference between Emily and Lauren is that Lauren doesn’t usually see the “bad” side of me. Emily did, more often that I’m proud to admit, and she still loved me. Because that’s what sisters do… She wasn’t always my friend, but she always was and always will be my sister. And as much as I love Laurie, and as close as we are, she's a different kind of sister.

When I was at Lauren’s house, we watched In Her Shoes together. I had told Lauren about Emily’s gift, and I wanted her to see the movie. I wanted her to see why it was so special. And I am so thankful that we watched it on that last day before I came home. Because it brought back such happy memories, and in a way… I was remembering the good parts of Em, instead of dwelling on some of the bad. And the funny thing is, I remember telling Lauren, “I can’t tell Emily that I watched this with you. She’d have a fit!” I think she would have seen it as a betrayal, sharing “our” movie. Diana was so right- Emily was fiercely possessive of things that were considered “ours”. But when I watch that movie, Emily is the only sister I’m thinking about. I may think of Laurie as another sister, but there are some things that were just mine and Emily’s. Lauren sent me a card after Emily died, and she wrote about how glad she was that we watched that movie together- that it showed her the special bond sisters had, and how despite the fights and arguments, that bond stayed strong. Which is the whole reason why I wanted her to see it so badly. I wanted Lauren to see that in spite of all the times that I complained about Emily, there was such a wonderful side of her too.

So I hope Emily understands, and forgives me for sharing “our” movie. And for never taking the time to try and walk a little ways in her shoes. And I hope that she knows that the countless pairs of shoes that are still downstairs remind me that she has forever left shoes that no one could ever possibly fill.