It’s funny how each of us are affected by a different day. Yesterday, the 1st, is the day she actually died- but we didn’t actually find out until the 2nd. Today I think is harder for my parents. And y’all saw Diana’s post- today is painful for her too.
Today is hard for me too--- but the day I had trouble with was Wednesday, the 30th. For me, the day before will always be a day of regrets. Regrets that I hadn’t picked up the phone to call her to tell her I was back from South Carolina. Regrets that the last time I had spoken to her was a whole week before. Regrets that the last conversation we had, I rushed her off the phone because Laurie and I were getting ready to go somewhere. Regrets that I didn’t spend the last day of my sister’s life with her. Regrets that it was 24 hours until someone found her. Regrets that I didn’t realize something was wrong when she didn’t call me. She always called. Regrets that the last time I saw her, the night before I left, she wanted to watch a movie. But I was too tired and went to bed. I can’t remember if I even hugged her. I think I said “I love you.” I pray I did- but I can’t remember.
Regrets, regrets, regrets.
You can really torture yourself with regrets.
And as I type, all the feelings of regret and despair are hitting me like a flood. Lately, I can’t concentrate. When I’m at work, I find myself staring at my computer screen, not even comprehending what I’m looking at it. When I’m here, I want to be home. When I’m home, I want to be anywhere else but there. I drive through town and I see places we’ve been or something that reminds me of her, and suddenly I want to be somewhere where Emily’s never lived. I wish I could pack up and start all over somewhere new.
I hate driving now. It makes me think too much. I don’t know how I’m going to drive back down to South Carolina in July--- eight hours is a long time to think.
I feel disoriented and disjointed. I write in fragments, and I can’t finish my sentences. I find I eat only because I have to. (Which although, I guess isn’t so bad. Food, weight and eating has always been a struggle for me.) I'm afraid to sometimes write and post what I'm really feeling, but then I don't care because they don't have to read it. There are people at work that I can’t stand to be in the same room with. I want to be with people, but then when I am, I want them to go away. I don’t want people to pity me, but I want them to understand that I’m hurting. But then I’m afraid to say anything because it makes people uncomfortable. I’m tired of not telling people when they’ve said something stupid. I’m tired of making excuses for when someone I love says something hurtful. Someone I thought I could lean on is being distant, and I’m being selfish- but it hurts. The one person who’s been there for me more than anyone lives 5 states away, and I miss her.
One minute I miss Emily so much I can’t stand it, the next I’m so furious with her I don’t know what to do. I’ve gone for days without crying, and today I can’t stop. (I KNEW I should not have worn mascara today.) I’m afraid I’m getting on people’s nerves, but then I don’t care because without Emily… it doesn’t matter. Dear friends of ours sent us a card yesterday, and she wrote about missing the presence of someone. And she is so right. I miss Emily being here. I miss being mad at her. I miss making up with her. I miss listening to her dramatics, I miss trying to tell her that it wasn’t the end of the world. I miss laughing with her. I miss making fun of stupid people together. I miss going to the movies. I miss how she would get so irritated with me because I would insist on getting to the theater early enough to watch the previews. I miss getting irritated with her because she would dawdle and make us late. I miss getting on her for driving like a maniac. I miss how she made us laugh. I miss the fragile bond that we were slowly starting to repair.
I lied. Today is definitely worse. The 30th is my day of regrets. The 1st is the actual anniversary. But the 2nd… that’s my (our) day of loss.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Psalm 34:18
That is how I feel- utterly crushed in spirit. People keep telling me not to lose faith, etc. (Those people are the ones that fall into the stupid category by the way.) I have not lost my faith in any way, shape, or form. God understands sorrow- more than we can ever imagine. You can sorrow, your heart can break, and you can still have joy in the Lord. After all, like the verse says, "The joy of the Lord is my strength." Letting yourself despair doesn’t mean that you’ve lost faith. Anyone who says that they don’t go through times of overwhelming despair, where they feel like they are indeed crushed in spirit, are either lying, or have never been through it. But the verse promises that He will be close.
And He is, I know He is. It's what gets me through every day.
But it hurts, oh, it hurts so bad.
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