Time

I feel like time is just passing by. Or maybe I feel like I’m just waiting for time to pass…. but I just don’t know what I am waiting for. There are the “big” things this summer- my annual 4th of July trip to South Carolina… and of course, the Poland trip in August. Those things I’m excited about. It’s the weeks in between that are hard. The days like today when I swear that the clock is moving backwards. The days like today when all that stuff seems so far away, and the only thing I can think about is that I miss Emily. The days like today when I realize it’s 2 o’clock in the afternoon and I literally have not done a thing all day today except stare blindly at my computer and pretend to be doing something useful. I feel about my job now the way I feel about this town—I want to start over somewhere where I’m not reminded about Emily everywhere I go. To work somewhere where people don’t give me that “pity” look, and ask me “how are you doing?” when I know that they really don’t want to hear anything other than the expected “fine.” And even aside from that- I hate my job. Even before Emily died I hated my job. In fact, when I was at the beach the week before, I was even telling Lauren how I was finally to the point where I wanted to do something with my life, instead of being stuck at a dead-end job where I’m not really appreciated. I was talking about going back to school, and trying to discover what I want to be “when I grow up.”

But right now I’m just too tired to do anything about it. So I sit and stare blindly at a computer screen. I’m snotty to my sometimes well-meaning co-workers. And downright nasty to the ones who I feel are being stupid and insensitive. I’m tired of trying to smile when I don’t feel like it. I’m tired of making excuses, and I’m tired of being too scared to take a chance, to make a change. I’m tired of crossing off days on my calendar, and waiting for the next “big” event. I want all the days in between to be just as exciting.