Calendar verse

I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds.”
Psalm 9:1

Hmm… today’s verse from my little daily calendar is a little harder to swallow today.
I wonder if whoever wrote this particular psalm wrote it when they were happy, and had cause to thank God, or when they were in the depths of despair. Because there have been things throughtout all of this that I have been thanking God for… but have I been thanking Him with my whole heart? That would be a no…. which makes me wonder. Does He expect me to? Does He really expect my whole heart to be in it?
And then there’s the second part…. telling of all His wonderful deeds. Now that I know I haven’t been doing a very good job of. Shoot, people are lucky that I can respond to their good morning without being rude, let alone start telling them how good God has been.

But He has, that’s the thing. So why can’t I bring myself to talk about it? Why can I pour out my thoughts and feelings onto the internet, but I can’t put it into actual spoken words? Probably because it’s safe. I can write, and don’t have to worry about what someone is going to say. I can type out how good He’s been, and how much I’ve leaned on Him, and write about my faith…. because it’s easier than trying to tell someone face to face. I can edit the internet… I can’t edit a real conversation. I don’t articulate myself well in conversation. Written words are easier.
But not everyone sees this little blog… the people I work with just know that I walk around with my head kinda down and refuse to meet anyone’s eyes. Because as soon as you make eye contact, that invites people to talk. And inevitably… they’re going to say something stupid. But I’m digressing. My point is- they don’t know that my faith is my anchor. They see me with a perpetual scowl, and a curt response when they ask how I am. “Fine, thank you.” Well baloney. I’m not fine, and the fact of the matter is… they know it too. And it makes me wonder, what opportunities am I missing to tell people? No, I don’t think God expects me to be running around with a huge smile on my face, stopping people in the halls and telling them, “my sister died, but gee, God’s been so good to me.” One, God’s not that mean to expect that. Two, that’s just weird and people would definitely stay even further away than they already are. And they are staying away. In fact, a dear friend of mine yesterday asked me if I was mad at her. I guess when you have your best friend worried you’re angry with her, you have to wonder what everyone else thinks. Ouch.

I think I’m getting dangerously close to falling into one of those pity pits.

But what I want is this… I want people to have ESP. I want them to know when I need to be left alone. But I want them to know when even though I’m saying “go away,” I’m really thinking “please don’t go.” I want them to call me at 10:00 at night because I’m upset and want to talk but won’t call because it’s too late. It’s irrational, I know. But lately irrational is what I am.