Letter to Emily

So they say this is supposed to help, writing a letter. I think it’s kind of silly, it’s not like you’re going to read this, but someone obviously went to school for a very long time to come up with ideas and methods like this, so I’ll give it a shot. Not that you ever really put much stock into what those head-shrinky people had to say anyway, but what the heck…

So obviously, I miss you more than anything. I find myself thinking that the semester is ending and any day now you’ll be walking through the door, dragging in all the laundry that’s been festering on your floor. I keep forgetting that we’ve already done all the laundry that was indeed festering on your floor. And it hurts when I realize that you’re never coming back.

I kept a lot of your clothes. Girl, you have good taste. When did you start trading hoodies and baggy jeans for “grown-up clothes.” Shoot, if I’d known that I’d have started going through your closet in payback for all the times you raided mine.

Your room still looks like you left it, like it’s waiting for you to come back. Except I did make your bed. But your dresser drawers are still hanging half open with clothes spilling out all over the place. God, I really do miss you.
There are so many things I keep wanting to tell you. Little, insignificant things. That my boss is being a jerk. That I got another car. That I get to be the official journal writer/travel blog writer during the trip to Poland. That I got that silly text messaging plan finally. That I caught up to you and now I have four tattoos too. I don’t know if I can ever get another one… because you can’t “even the score” again. For once, I don’t want to win.

I saw that the movie “27 Dresses” is out on DVD. We wanted to go see that movie, but we never managed to get to that one. I wonder if you got to see it. I want to rent it, but at the same time I don’t want to watch it without you.

Speaking of movies… the second movie in the Chronicles of Narnia is out in theaters this weekend. Brandon is getting a movie group together to go see it on Saturday. If they end up going to a late show since I have to work, I’m going to go. I almost said no… but in a way, I think it will be good to go with your friends. It’s funny--- you never really wanted to hang out with any of my friends. But you always included me with yours. To the point where I consider them to be my friends too. And that was always okay with you. But it is just going to be so weird without you there. Remember the last time we went? I think it was to see the Pirates of the Caribbean. We got into a HUGE fight in the parking lot. And I finally said I was going home, and that Brandon or Diana could take you home after the movie because I wasn’t going to sit and snipe with you all evening. I don’t think you really believed that I’d do it, until I got into the car and turned it on. Remember how you made me so mad that I screamed at you at the top of my lungs in the middle of the parking lot? I think I finally scared you. And then… it was all okay, like nothing had ever happened. It is so hard to stay mad at you.
This sucks Emily. There’s no other word for it. It really, truly, beyond a shadow of a doubt, sucks.

That time you were in the hospital back in November scared me more than anything ever in my life. That morning that you called me at work, telling me you were throwing up and wanted me to bring you some stomach medicine, I was annoyed. It never crossed my mind something else might be wrong, I just figured you were… well, being the hypochondriac you could be sometimes. I told you to lay down and call me in an hour or so if you didn’t feel better. Right as I was hanging up, it’s like a light bulb clicked on in my head and I SWEAR I heard a voice say, “Melissa you need to ask her what her blood sugar is.” And when I asked you, and you said that half an hour before it was 570, I almost flipped. When I told you to test it again and it had gone up to 585, I told you to call an ambulance. You must not have been thinking clearly, because you wouldn’t. And by that time I wasn’t thinking clearly, and I should have called. Instead I rushed up to Shippensburg like a mad woman. I was easily going 95 mph on the interstate. I still didn’t realize how bad it was until I burst into your townhouse and saw you. And smelled that unmistakable orange scent. (I hate oranges now, by the way.) That’s when I knew it was bad. And when you passed out twice on the way to the hospital, I knew it was bad. Your head dropped on my shoulder and I slapped your face to wake you up. I still don’t think you ever quite forgave me.

I still remember the chill running down my spine when the doctor said that if we had waited another hour, you would have died. I remember thanking God for nudging me to ask you about your blood sugar. Because I wasn’t even thinking.
I was so thankful you were okay. But I was so furious with you that you scared us so badly.

That day, that day I knew that this day was coming. In my heart of hearts, I think I knew that some day it would happen. I just never imagined that it would be this soon.

I’m more like you than I thought. You hated unanswered questions. Maybe that’s why you always needed to know. And now you’ve left me with so many unanswered questions. Why not again? Why didn’t I hear that voice telling me to call you Tuesday morning because I hadn’t heard from you? Why didn’t I sense that something wasn’t right? Would it have made a difference? Were you scared? Why wouldn’t you take care of yourself? Why, oh why wouldn’t you listen?

I have so many I need answers to. Because even though nothing will ever heal the hole in my heart, at least knowing some of the unknown would help. Emily, I get it. I get why you needed to know all the time. It’s the uncertainty and the unknowing that hurts so much.

I don’t want to end this little letter. How do you end? It’s not even close to being done.
So I’ll leave it open –ended. And I’ll pick up where I left off. Because I’m sure there will be a million more things I’ll want to tell you. I do almost feel like I’m writing something you’ll read.

Well I’ll be darned. I just realized what I wrote. So much for silly eh? You were wrong about one thing Emmy, I guess those head shrinky people do have a clue after all. Somewhat.