The need to please

I am 25 years old, and I am still afraid to “break the rules”.
I went to Harper’s Ferry, West Virginia this past Monday with my parents, my Aunt Pat and Uncle Mike, and my cousin Sarah. (And ended up running into my Aunt Janet and Scott while we were there! Small world!) Anyway, it’s a really cool little town with all kinds of shops and a lot of Civil War History. There’s a rock that you can hike up to where you can see the Shenandoah and the Potomac Rivers meet. It’s really quite beautiful. On the way back down, a little ways off the path, there are the ruins of an old Episcopal church. The path is lined with a wooden rail, but there were no signs saying that you couldn’t go under it. The ruins were open, and would have been a really awesome picture standing in the middle of it. I wanted like anything to go poke around in there, but my mother told me no. And I’m standing there, trying to decide how much trouble I would be in if I just did it. I had a fleeting thought of doing it anyway, but Sarah (who’s 12) was standing right there. She was watching me with a big grin, looking from me to my mom who was already halfway down the trail. You could just tell she was waiting to see what I was going to do. I figured I ought to set a good example and listen to my mother. So I turned and grudgingly walked down the hill, even though I so wanted to climb that rail. Emily would have crossed under the rail, the heck with good examples.

Emily… she did what she wanted and she didn’t care what the consequences were. If she wanted to look at the silly church, she would have done it, and dealt with mom later. (And the poison ivy that mom was probably right about.) She would not have cared in the slightest that Sarah was there and watching, heck- she probably would have taken Sarah with her. Me? I weigh my options, and try to think through all the possible scenarios of what will happen. How mad would Mom have gotten at me? How much trouble would I have gotten in? Can I still be grounded at 25? I think waayyy too much. Emily always lived in the moment, and worried about the repercussions later. She hated to have people mad at her, but she dealt with that after the fact. And when she messed up, she was truly apologetic. Now if she didn’t think she was wrong, she would stand her ground and wouldn’t give in. Me, I usually will let it go just to avoid a confrontation.

It’s funny how different we are. You had me who was afraid to stay out past my curfew, and then you had Emily who ran away to Missouri. I was such a goody-two-shoes it’s not even funny. I think the worst things I ever did was I smoked a few cigarettes because I was trying to impress the friends I was hanging out with… but I was over 18 so it’s not like I was even breaking the law. And they gave me a headache and aggravated my asthma. I snuck into a few bars when I was 19 or 20. I got my bellybutton pierced without telling my parents. That’s about the extent of it. I toed the line, and didn’t break the rules. I have this innate need to please. I think sometimes I spend too much time trying to fit myself into the idea of who people think I am, and not always just making who I am fit into their ideas. I’m afraid to make people mad at me because I’m afraid they won’t like me. But Emily always broke the rules. She didn't conform to anything, or try and be any one other than who she was. She made people mad at her all the time, and she still was one of the most popular people I’ve ever known. My friend Maria wrote me an e-mail a couple of weeks ago and she said something that really struck me, and has been resonating with me ever since… “You bury your feelings and thoughts deep inside you. Let some of that out (and the blog is doing that- so keep it up!) Emily wore her emotions on her sleeve and look at the number of people who still loved her (even on her bad days!) You are a wonderful and beautiful person Melissa. Let the world get to know the real you- even if it means you get hurt sometimes.”

She totally has me pegged (and she always pretty much has)… I don’t always let people see “me”, mostly because I’m afraid of getting hurt. Emily let people know exactly where they stood with her. You always knew what mood Emily was in. And believe me, she let you know if you had done something to irritate her. In some ways though, Emily did hide her deepest emotions- her anxieties about her diabetes, and her many insecurities. But for the most part, Maria was right- she did wear her heart on her sleeve. And people did love her on her bad days. Emily had more confidence than I think I’ll ever have. She used to get so mad at me when I would put myself down. And I think she was the one person who had half an idea of how much I struggled with my weight when I was a teenager. She told me all the time to stop caring what other people thought. Oh Emily, I wish I could. I wish she was here to tell me yet again to get over myself.

I’ve spent so long trying to be what other people think I should be I really don’t know who I am. Emily knew who she was, and she didn’t care if people liked it or not. But the thing with Emily is that they did like her. Me, I’m not so sure if I even like myself some days.

At Emily’s service, Diana read a self-awareness essay Emily had written for a class a few months ago. Today was the first time I’ve been able to actually read it. For all my rambling thoughts, I think this pretty much says it all.

“I am me.

I have good qualities and bad. I get upset easily. I get attached quickly. I have a quick temper. I care too much sometimes. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I have a tendency to take my bad mood out on others. I'm insecure and need reassurance a lot. I cry at the drop of a hat. I speak before I think. I've done things I am not proud of. I don't take care of myself like I should sometimes.

I love with all my heart. My friends and family are my everything. I laugh when no one else is 'cause I remember something funny from awhile back. I am finally learning to trust people again. All I want to do is help people. I'm stubborn, but sometimes I know my limits. I have a huge heart.

But overall? I am who I am. I like me and it's taken me 20 years to admit it. What you see is what you get and I'm not changing for anyone. It's up to me to live my life and I'm the only one in control.

So take me as I am....or don't take me at all. It's your loss if you don't.”

I could never be just like Emily—and to be perfectly honest I never thought I would want to be. But she found something in herself that I haven’t found yet. And I admire her for that. She accepted herself, her faults and flaws, and her strengths as well. I think I will always have a tendency to be a people-pleaser. But I want to get to the place where Emily was and be able to say, “this is me, this is who I am, and I like it,” and not try and conform to expectations of who or what I should be. The only One I really need to worry about pleasing is God. As long as He likes me, that’s really all that matters. But all that being said, He probably wouldn’t have wanted me to get poison ivy either, so I suppose that’s why He gave us mothers. :)