Questions, pits, and comfort

“So, do you have any brothers or sisters?”

I never realized how often people ask about your siblings. It comes up a lot in conversation. How am I supposed to answer that? Do I have a sister, or did I have a sister? If I say no, that’s lying. She may not be here, but to say no is like saying she never was. So do I say yes, and leave it at that? Or do I say yes, then give the details about what happened to her? But then people feel sorry for you. And I don’t want pity.

There’s a big difference between someone sharing in your sorrow and someone feeling sorry for you. Because it is so easy to fall into the “poor me” trap. Or even worse- a pity pit. I’ve been in a pity-pit before- and believe you me, it is not a nice place to be. It colors how you look at everything. It’s dark, it’s sad, and it’s lonely. And it’s deep and hard to get out of. Eventually, people stop being understanding. They stay away because they don’t want to fall into the pity pit with you. And it takes awhile to realize that you’ve fallen into one. And even then you get to the point where you’re trying to reason with God why you deserve to stay in that pit. But He won’t pull you out of that pit kicking and screaming, against your will. You have to want to climb your way out. But the great thing about God is… you don’t have to climb all the way out on your own. All you have to do is ask, and He’s there to lift you out into the sunshine.

It’s so tempting to let myself fall into a pity pit. It’s so tempting to stay in bed and pull the covers over my head and hide from the pain. It’s tempting to forget that I am not the only one who’s hurting. It’s tempting to think that I don’t have to acknowledge anyone else’s suffering. It’s tempting to let myself be rude to people, because I have an “excuse”. But God can’t use me if I do that. I keep going back to that verse in Corinthians about comfort. “…the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” If someday God brings someone across my path who lost his/her sister- I can share that comfort. And no, I don’t believe that Emily died just so I’d be able to comfort someone else someday. God doesn’t work like that. There’s a reason for Emily’s death. I don’t know what it is, and I may never know the reason why. But I do know that He has been my rock. And He brought people into my life that know firsthand the pain and sorrow of losing someone they love. But even though I have those dear friends who have comforted me in more ways than I could ever, ever tell them- it’s been God who I’ve leaned on the most. He brings us together in our sorrow, and brings us into each others lives to share that comfort… but the key is that we need to remember from Whom that comfort ultimately comes. And if you’re still stuck in the muck and mire of a pity pit- it’s kinda hard to share comfort with someone else if you haven’t realized it for yourself.

I still am not sure how to answer when I'm asked if I have any brothers or sisters. Maybe I just need to answer honestly. And if I see the "pity look", I can stop them and say, "yes, her death was horrible. But let me tell you about just how good my God is."

I have a Pastor friend who e-mails us periodically with his thoughts and mediations. Oftentimes he signs them with the Latin phrase “satis est”, which I believe translates to “it is enough”. I love that phrase. It is enough. God is enough.

“I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.”
Psalm 40:1-2

God is good. He is the God of all comfort, satis est.