Emily, I miss you. I recorded your voice mail message on my phone and listened to it for almost an hour last night. And I'm mad at myself that that's the only recording I have of your voice. All those silly messages you've left me and I never saved one.
I miss you, but right now I am so angry at you, I wish you were here just so I could slap you. And you know me, how I have to be pretty darn mad to get to that point.
But I'm mad. Mad that you wouldn't listen. Mad that I didn't do more to try and make you listen. I'm mad that I didn't call you on Monday when I got home from South Carolina. Mad that I didn't call you on Tuesday. Mad that I didn't hug you before I left for South Carolina. Mad that it wasn't me that got diabetes instead of you. Mad that I didn't go to medical school so I could have found a cure for it. Mad that all I could do was stand by and watch as you made your own choices. I'm mad at myself that I wasn't there for you more than I was. I'm mad that you won't be at my wedding. (if that ever happens). I'm mad that you've left me to deal with mom and dad when they get old and cranky. (sorry dearest parents, no offense! :) I'm mad that it took you dying to get our whole family together for the first time in years. I'm mad that you've made all of our hearts break. I'm mad that we didn't get to know Mike until now. I'm mad that you ruined my birthday. I'm mad that you ruined Mom's birthday. I'm mad that from now on, all my birthday's are going to be a painful reminder. I'm mad, mad, MAD! I'm mad that I don't have anyone to go to the movies with anymore. I'm mad that I can't ever watch those Friend's DVD's again. I'm really mad that you stuck us with that stupid loud hamster for good. I'm mad that every time I see an ugly gray Ford Focus, I think it's you. I'm mad that when I wake up in the morning, there are those few brief seconds that I've forgotten anything is wrong, and then the rest of the day is ruined. I'm mad that you aren't here to cheer me up when I'm sad.
You hated anyone being mad at you. And what makes me the angriest is that you aren't here to give me that smile of yours and try to make me un-mad.
