Constants

Diana’s post earlier today really struck something with me… I’ve been trying to find the words to exactly describe the hole Emily has left in my life. She hit the nail on the head… and I realized it’s the loss of what was once constant. Diana said, “She was such a constant. She is a constant, I suppose... just in a different capacity.”

Emily was a whirlwind. She moved whatever way the wind blew. She was up, she was down. She was loving, then she was mean. She was angry, she was forgiving. Sometimes all of those things in the span of about 10 minutes. But she was constant. You could count on hearing from her at least once a day. You knew that when you saw her name on the caller ID that she either wanted something from you or needed you to do something for her. She blew in and through our lives with hurricane-force winds. She was unpredictable. But her very unpredictability was our constant. And without it… life isn’t nearly as fun.

The truth of the matter is I really don’t know what to do. For so many years, I’ve felt like I was cleaning up Emily’s messes. When she was in kindergarten got in trouble on the bus for yelling at the kid who was making fun of her, it was me that later went and beat the tar out of that kid. (And yes, I know now that violence is not the answer…) When she ran away over spring break to Missouri and ended up wrecking her car it was me she called. She claimed it was because she couldn’t get ahold of mom and dad, but I’ve never believed her. And it was me that drove to the airport to pick her up. When she got in trouble with Mr. Forney at school, it was me that went in and tried to straighten it out. When she fought with mom and dad, I tried to reason with her to make things better. When she was so sick and almost died back in November, I was the one who rushed her to the emergency room and spent the day at the hospital. When she needed another signature to co-sign for her latest school loan… I signed it. I always resented it in a way, but now that she’s not here… I don’t have anyone’s messes to clean up.

Friends come and go, jobs come and go, but I’ve lost the one thing that has always been constant in my life. And the one thing I always counted on being there forever. I was counting on her for the plans for Mom and Dad’s 30th wedding anniversary this year. I was counting on my kids someday having her as their “Auntie Em.” She hated the Wizard of Oz, and I always threatened that I was going to have them call her that. She protested, but I think she would have gone along with it. I counted on her being there when I got married. I counted on being there when she got married. I counted on being there when she had kids. I’ve looked forward to having nieces or nephews. I counted on all the things you assume will be constants when you have a sister.

But Diana’s right… she’s still a constant, just in a different capacity. She’s a constant in the fact that every childhood memory I have has her in it. She’s a constant in the fact that every time I see a daisy, I’ll remember her. And every time I hear the rain fall, I’ll remember that was one of her favorite sounds. She’s a constant in the friends of hers, like Diana, who I consider to be friends of mine. She’s a constant in the fact that she is the link that holds so many of us together.