An ever-present help

I was driving to work this morning, and it felt like a weight was just pressing down on my chest. I missed Emily so much, it almost hurt to breathe. It seems to hit me when I’m driving. Maybe it’s because I’m by myself. Or maybe it’s because I’m forced to sit still and I don’t have anything to keep myself busy from thinking about it. In the first few days after, I couldn’t sit still. I was re-arranging stuff in the kitchen, I was doing laundry, I cleaned the bathroom, I was running up and down the stairs. At one point my mom’s friend Eileen looked at me and said, “Melissa, how many more times are you going to go down those stairs?” I couldn’t stay still. Because when you sit still, you think about it. And sometimes it’s just too hard. But driving- well, you’re kinda stuck. Even if you turn around and go back home, you still have to drive to get there.

And aside from missing Emily, it’s a rainy, dreary, COLD, dismal day. (And to think… this time a month ago I was at the beach and sunburned. This morning I had to pull a coat on.) So needless to say, the weather wasn’t helping my mood any. I walked into my office, slamming my stuff everywhere, all prepared to be in a ROYALLY ticked off mood today. I don’t think the statute of limitations has run out on people understanding my foul moods and rudeness just quite yet. I turned on my computer, and as I was waiting for it to boot up, I changed my desk calendar. It’s a small day-by-day calendar that has a different Bible verse on it. And this was today’s:
“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” Psalm 46:1

Drat. Just when I was really getting myself ready to dive headfirst into my pity-pit, God took away my diving board.

That’s a verse I’ve read a hundred times, but I’ve never really read it before. An ever-present help in trouble. It’s funny, there have been a few people who have been asking if we’ve gotten angry at God yet. It’s the “yet” that makes me pause- like people are expecting that you’ll eventually be angry with God. Maybe that does come, but it hasn’t for me. And I don’t think it will. If anything, I’ve seen more evidence of His grace through all of this. Someone else said to me, “something like this must really test your faith.” Who knows, maybe I’m just weird- but my faith in God hasn’t been shaken. That verse really hits home, He IS an ever-present help in trouble. Sometimes it hasn’t always been easy to see Him, but He’s been there through it all.

Funny… all of a sudden, I’m finding it hard to stay in my foul mood.