Blinking lights

I miss her. This week has been the hardest- and I'm not sure why. Maybe that's my problem, I'm trying to find reasons why I feel the way I do. My cousin Lauren tonight told me to just let the emotions come, whatever they are. Happy, sad, mad, etc. Maybe she's right--- she usually is.

I applied for another position at work. It's actually more of a promotion within my department. Yesterday afternoon I had my interview. All morning, I was so worried about the interview, I forgot to miss Emily. Until it was over and I went back to my desk. And I looked at my phone, expecting there to be a blinking light, telling me I had a message. See, if Emily were here, she would have called at least twice by then. The first time to tell me to call her when it was over. The second to ask why I hadn't called her yet. And me being me... probably would have listened to the messages, and put off calling her until later because I wasn't up to dealing with her dramatics.

There was no blinking light. And the reality of it all hit me all over again.

Three weeks ago, I would have been a wreck about whether or not I was going to get this promotion. I would have been obsessing and stressing. And driving my family nuts with my usual pessimistic attitude. Suddenly though- it doesn't really matter if I get it. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want it. But what I want most is the one thing I can't have. I want that blinking light on my phone.