She promised me she would be better about taking care of herself. She promised me she wouldn’t leave me all alone. She didn’t keep that promise, and I almost hate her for it.
Some days I feel like I am out of my head. Like it’s happened to someone else, not me. In a weird way, it’s like I can disassociate myself from it. I comprehend it, but I just don’t want to believe it. But that feeling doesn’t last for too long, because reality has a cruel way of crashing back down on you.
One of Lauren’s friends was looking at my daisy tattoo on my foot, and asked who Emily was. It was the first time I’d met someone who didn’t know. The first time I got to explain the significance of the tattoo. That it was on my foot because that’s where she had one. And that I chose a daisy because it was her favorite flower and also because that’s what was on her foot. That the “live, laugh, love” was from the tattoo on her hip. Her name. And it didn’t hurt as much to explain as I thought. I thought it would hurt more…. I wondered if it should have hurt more.
I picked up the phone to call her the other day. Her number is still in my phone- I just can’t bring myself to hit that delete button. Or remove her from my speed dial. I carry her phone around in my purse. I don’t know why- I don’t want to switch phones and use it. I don’t even like it. (Actually, it’s more like I don’t think I could figure out how to use it. It has wayyy too many buttons.) And I know it’s silly to have a perfectly good phone just sitting there, but yet- there it sits.
When I turned 21, I bought myself a really pretty opal ring. Spent more than I really should have on it, but it was my present to myself and it made me feel better. I wear it all the time. Two weeks ago- I bought a simple ruby and diamond band. I figure it’s Emily’s birthday present… to myself. I wonder if I would have thought of doing something like that for her if she was still here. I like to think I might have, but the reality is; I probably wouldn’t have thought of it …. and that makes me feel almost a little worse somehow. I should have been a better sister. I should have done a lot of things differently. I just hope she knew how much I really did love her.
I can’t believe that Saturday is so close. Now more than ever, I REALLY wish I’d just stayed in South Carolina. If she was here, I would have been driven completely batty by now because of her incessant obsessing about “her day.” I’d have waited until the very last minute to buy her a gift. She would be begging for hints about what we all got her. She’d be obsessing about what she wanted to drink. Honestly, even if she was here, I’d probably still be dreading Saturday, simply because of all her drama. But given a choice, I’d so much rather be dreading it for those other reasons rather than the reason I dread it now.
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