Yesterday was the first time I didn't wake up dreading facing the day. In fact, I didn't even realize yesterday was the first of the month until later in the day. I'm not sure if it bothers me more that I forgot... or that I'm relieved that I forgot.
I understand now why people move away after they've lost someone. I used to think maybe it was because they were trying to runaway and forget. (I used to think a lot of stupid things before this.) But that's not the case at all. I haven't forgotten Emily while I've been here in South Carolina. I still think about her everyday, and miss her everyday. I've already cried on poor Lauren's shoulder at least twice, and broke down on Teri when we went over to Uncle John's. But it's like... the intensity of the pain is somewhat muted here. Like someone just turned down the volume on the pain meter. There aren't reminders of her everywhere I look. There aren't reminders of her everywhere I go. When I meet and talk to people down here, Emily isn't the unspoken shadow hovering over my shoulder. I have not once gotten the pity look, and when someone asks "how are ya?", it's a whole 'nother meaning. I do miss my parents... but I do not want to go home. Maybe eventually it gets easier there too, I don't know. But what I do know is that right now, in this moment, I feel like I can breathe again.
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