There’s a rage lurking just beneath the exterior, and I’m not sure how much longer I can fight it back. I am so unbelievably pissed off. Maybe I need medication, maybe it’s just that I’ve been pushing everything down for the last four months, maybe it’s a combination of both. But I can feel it rising up inside me, and it actually almost scares me. I’m afraid one of these days someone is going to say something and I am literally going to go ballistic.
God, I just don’t understand. I want to trust, I do…. but it’s just so hard when everything around looks so bleak. I can’t stand the thought of facing day after monotonous day here. I’d just up and go to SC, except I’m afraid Lauren won’t go for that, if I don’t have a job lined up. I’m pretty sure that I could manage to get one, but who knows? I may not right away, and it’s not like I have a readily accessible supply of money. Which is my own dumb fault, I know.
I just feel so lost. And alone. I’ve never felt this lonely in all my life.
Diana posted something in her livejournal that just about cut me to the core. She posted an excerpt from an e-mail survey that Em had sent, and one of the questions was about what nicknames people call you. Em’s response was “Usually just Em, but sometimes people call me Emmy… usually when they want something. (*cough* my sister* cough*)
I wanted to cry. I never called her Emmy because I wanted something from her. I called her Emmy because it was a pet nickname and it was cute, and she wouldn’t let many people get away with it. Just like when she called me “Misla”. I’m sure she didn’t mean a thing by it, other than being funny with her friends…. but it’s still left me somewhat heartbroken.
I hate this. It’s just not fair.
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