I’m trying so very hard not to lose my temper. I came close yesterday, twice. The first time was with my hyper-critical, extremely nosey, paranoid, tattle-tale co-worker. ( I really dislike this woman, in case you can’t tell.) She confronted me at the end of the day and wanted to know why I was being “mean” to her. She seems to have interpreted my sorrow and grieving as a personal affront to her, because I don’t “talk to her anymore.” I couldn't make her go away and leave me alone, but she finally did before I screamed at her. I managed not to, but oh.. I really wanted to tell her off. It might even have been worth getting fired over.
Then when I got home, there was yet another letter from Hagerstown Community College, congratulating Emily on her acceptance to the school and reminding her that registration was starting. We’ve called the school already and told them what happened. And we told them to stop sending stuff to Emily. So when I saw another one I was ticked. Before I could think, I had the phone in my hand and I was calling the admissions office. I managed to very politely explain to the admissions lady why I was calling. And I kept my cool- until she pulled Emily’s name up and said, “She shouldn’t be getting any more mail from us.” Grrrrrrr….. I gritted my teeth and said, “Well, we did. I just got one today.” “Oh, but she shouldn’t, we have it in our computer……” I interrupted her and said, “Lady, I don’t CARE what your computer says, I’m telling you I am holding a letter in my hand dated June 6th. We’ve called before, and the letters have got to stop!” By this time I’m not yelling, just trying to keep from crying, and mostly trying to keep myself from screaming every profane word I know at her. She apologized profusely and said she’d take care of it. She’d better. Next time, I’m going down there in person. To this poor admissions lady, she’s just a name on a computer screen. She has no idea of the pain that comes from just seeing Emily’s name in the mail. And then to open a letter congratulating her on her acceptance to a college that she’ll never attend? It’s like a sucker punch right to your very core. And I know she has no clue…but if another letter comes, by George- she’s going to find out.
(I sound a lot tougher than I really am….)
I think I’m about two steps from really losing my temper. I’m not usually a screamer. Actually, I think the times I’ve really completely lost my temper had been at Emily. She could push me to the edge so darn fast…
But I feel like the proverbial bull in a china shop. The china shop being my life, and me wanting to just completely go nuts and destroy everything I can get my hands on.
So fair warning- don’t piss me off. I’m dangerously close to screaming.
(I almost sound convincing, don't I?!?!)
But the thing is, I know that yelling at my idiotic co-worker won’t change anything other than to make an already bad situation worse. (Although Sara sent me a message on facebook and offered KDPhi's assistance as a hitman. Hitwoman? Women? whatever. It made me smile. I may take them up on it. JOKING, of course. Well, kind of....)
And I know making that admissions lady feel horrible isn’t going to make me feel better. Yelling and screaming may feel good for that moment, but when the moment is gone, all you are left with is remorse for losing it, and a very sore throat. And it won’t change that the reason why I want to scream in the first place hasn’t changed…
Emily is still gone, no matter how loudly I scream.
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