Christmas trees and memories

I've been trying to avoid really thinking about Emily lately. I seem to be falling back into the pattern of "if I don't think about, then it doesn't really exist." But you'd think after six months of therapy, it would have sunk in that the more you push things down, the bigger the mess when it all comes out. And it always does.

It started when we went to get our Christmas tree earlier this month. Lauren and Rachel get a real tree, which I was thrilled about. It was a different tradition than what I grew up with, so it was on the "safe" list. But when it came time to decorate, then I got the moody blues. Decorating the Christmas tree has always been my job. Emily hated decorating the tree- but every year she'd sit with me in the living room and keep me company while I did it. This year.... I was the one sitting and watching while Rachel decorated the tree.

But after that momentary bout of the blues, I haven't let myself think about her. Because if I do- I'm afraid I won't stop. And I don't want to put a damper on Lauren and Rachel's Christmas either. The only thing worse than actually being depressed at Christmas is having to deal with the person who is depressed at Christmas.

But Lauren knows me entirely too well. There's not much I can get past her. Most of the time I love it. Sometimes it's a real pain in the butt.

Last night we went out to do some Christmas shopping. It's kind of eerie how alike Rachel and Emily are in some ways. They have the same "all-about-me" mentality, the same dramatic flair, and the same inability to keep anything secret. While we were out, it was fairly obvious Rachel was trying to get my Christmas present without me noticing. And the harder she tried to be secretive, the more obvious she was. It's a good thing that I like to be surprised at Christmas and did my best to keep out of earshot- otherwise it would've been fairly easy to figure out what she was up to. Emily was the same way. She hated waiting for Christmas, and would inevitably give so many hints about presents she bought, that it didn't take much to figure out what it was.
Rachel was driving me absolutely nuts last night. She was poking us, teasing us, and wanted to buy every single thing she laid her eyes on. And then when it reached the point where all I wanted to do was shake her.... she held out her arms to hug me and said "I love you." I swear she and Emily were cut from the same cloth. Emily knew just how far to push you... and right when you were ready to explode, she'd do something to melt your heart. Rachel's like that in some ways.

So when we got home, I pulled out my photo album with the Christmas pictures of when Emily and I were little, and I simply sat and cried. And I realized what Jack had been trying to tell me throughout all of those counseling sessions- that the hurt really is never going to go away. And that you have to reach a place where you can acknowledge that, where you can process the emotions. Because not dealing with it, and pushing it down just makes it more painful when it eventually comes to the surface.