Finding Him in the cancer ward

There was a girl in the oncology ward today that I cannot get out of my mind. When they first walked in, I only saw them from the back. I saw a man, probably around my parents age, supporting a woman with an oxygen tank. She was very short, very slow, very, very thin, and very frail. Her hair was mussed and I assumed it was this man's mother. Then she sat on the bed and I saw her face.

She's probably in her mid to late 20's.
She's my age.

I have seen sick people before. I spent a day in the hospital with Emily when her blood sugar sky rocketed. I visited my grandmother after her surgery and while she was going through chemo.

But I have never seen someone who looked so close to death.
And so young.

She's my age.

It rattled me. I can't get her out of my mind.

She sat on the edge of the bed for about 10 minutes. Then the nurse helped her bring her legs up and on the bed and get her situated. That little bit of movement exhausted her. It was so painful to watch her struggle to make that move. A movement that I take for granted every day of my life. She closed her eyes and I watched her chest heave up and down as she tried to catch her breath. As an asthmatic I know what it's like to struggle to breathe. I know how terrifying it is to feel like you can't pull enough air into your lungs. I know what it's like to have to conciously tell yourself to take a breath. But that all seemed like nothing compared to her. I have no idea what her name is. I don't know what kind of cancer she has. But she broke my heart.

All day yesterday I was worried about going with Heather. I do not like hospitals. I get a weird buzzing noise in my head the moment I pass through the doors. The sight of an IV makes me feel faint. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to sit through 6 hours of watching poison drip into my friend's veins. But siting in a room full of people whose survival depends on a variety of posions and toxins being pumped into their bodies suddenly makes you grow up and get over yourself. I won't say the buzzing noise went away. And I still felt sick. But I knew that would go away the moment I walked out of the door.

That girl doesn't have the strength to even stand up, let alone walk anywhere.

I've been anxious for weeks about this upcoming flight to Poland. Stressed out and frightened to the point where I sometimes can't think of anything else.
I'm afraid to go on vacation. How ridiculous is that? I bet she'd trade my irrational fear for the very real fear she faces every second.

I looked for God in that room today. I searched for Him in the eyes of that girl. That girl who could easily have been someone I went to school with. I looked for Him in the worried face of her father. I looked for Him standing behind Heather, Heather who now wears a hat and a wig because cancer took her hair. I looked for Him in the pale faces, the dark circles under the eyes, the bald heads, the IV lines, the clicks and beeps of machines, in the shadows in the eyes of the nurses, and the bedside vigil of family and friends.

I know this sounds like such a downer. But then again, cancer is no laughing matter. I wish I could say I found Him, but today He was a little harder to find. I couldn't help but wonder- Why Heather? Why her? Why any of those people in that room? Why does He allow such a horrible disease? Why does He allow such terrible suffering?

I know there aren't really answers to those questions. At least not answers that can satisfy. But yet, find Him I did. I found Him in those very places I was looking for Him. Because love is stronger than death. Cancer can steal your hair, can sap your strength, can tire your spirit and weary your soul. It can exhaust your family and friends, and it can ultimately take a life. But the one thing cancer cannot destroy is love. Love is what covers the bald heads and drips in the IV lines. Love is the light that battles the shadows behind the eyes, and it is the rhythm behind the clicks of machines. It's what sustains the caregivers, the doctors, the nurses. Love is God, therefore everywhere you see love, you see ultimately can't help but see God.

At least that's how I see it.