Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Starting Over

Blogs are a curious thing.  These days, it seems like everyone has a blog.  Including me obviously, since you're here.  If you've followed me from the link on my "old" blog, you know that I've been sporadic the last year or so in posting anything.  Mainly because I think I've just run out of anything interesting to say.  When I started blogging, it was because I needed an outlet to write about my younger sister Emily's death.  So why a public blog and not a private journal?  I started the blog initially as an open site for anyone to write and share memories about Emily, but it ended up being mostly me writing.  And for a few years- it helped.  But then- I ran out of things to say.  Or at least anything new to say. The story never really changes- and there are only so many times you can say "I miss Emily". 
So like me, my blog got stuck.  I started the blog centered around Emily, and when I wasn't sure what more to write about her, I didn't know how to write about anything else.  Let me rephrase that- I felt almost guilty writing about anything else other than Emily.  I felt like moving on with my blog was losing another little piece of Emily. That probably doesn't make sense, but then again... when have I ever?

I believe this is what they call "moving on".  It took me awhile to realize that this is not a bad thing. Life goes on, as much as I wish sometimes I could go back.  And while there are times that I find myself missing my sister so much it hurts to breathe, those moments are not as paralyzing as they once were.  I felt like I wanted to start over with my blog- to make it mine and not a shrine to my sister. I debated how I wanted to do that.  I thought about deleting the whole thing and starting over. But there's a lot of history here- good, bad, and sometimes ugly, but history that I don't want to forget. I thought about making those posts "hidden" so only I could see them. There are a lot of posts that I would like to forget- and in many ways my beliefs have changed so much that I don't even feel like the same person, but yet there's a lot of who I was in those words.   So- I compromised.  I started a new blog- with the same title of "How High Is Up"- simply because it fits. How is life, grief, and joy measured?  How high is up?  It still applies.  I'm leaving Emily's story right where it is. And I've started my new story here, with a link to what I will call "Phase 1" of measuring "up".

So if you're still with me, follow me to Phase 2.

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