Over the last month I've started and stopped at least four different blog posts about the latest change heading my way. I got to a certain point and then I couldn't find a coherent thought to tie it all together. I think in a way I couldn't write about it, because I still hadn't completely sorted out my feelings on it. Then before I knew it, it's come and gone, and I haven't posted a word.
Are you confused yet? I tend to do that.
I've moved to South Carolina. A week ago today, actually. It's been a long time coming- since.... well, about 2005 when Laurie first made the offer. The timing never seemed right. I'd get close to making a decision and then I'd get scared and change my mind. When the economy tanked, I told myself it made no sense to quit a perfectly good job (albeit one that I hated), and head off to a whole other state without one. Then suddenly I found myself without my perfectly good job, and out of excuses. So after alot of agonizing, going back and forth, fretting, and worrying "can I really do this", I decided to do it. And so I did. Packed up all my earthly possessions into a 6 x 12 U-Haul trailer and headed down the road. (With my parent's help of course.)
And now I found myself here a week later with my stuff for the most part unpacked and put away. (How is it that what took about three weeks to put into boxes, only took about three days to take out of the boxes?!) I woke up thinking this morning, "oh man, it's Friday... the week is almost over." Then I realized that this is not a vacation, and I don't have to go home on Sunday.
I find myself thinking of that word, too. Home. A few days ago I was updating my information on my cell phone. Speed dial number 2 has always been set to "home". Speed dial number "8" has always been "Laurie's house". But where is home now? For me, wherever my pillow has been has always been home. Home to me is my childhood in Alabama, the last ten years in Pennsylvania, Laurie's house even before it became my house too. I've even been known to say on vacations that I was ready to go back home, yet meaning the hotel or beach house we were staying at. But the question of how to organize my cell phone stumped me. Do I keep speed dial number 2 as "home", as in where mom and dad are? Or do I change it to where my pillow happens to be and make "home" my new phone number? Argh. As insane as it sounds, it's been quite a quandary for someone like me, who has a nasty habit of resisting change. Even on something as ridiculous as a cell phone.
I've finally stopped referring to my room as the "guestroom". With all my stuff in there it looks like my room. And with Rachel's help I have my fish tank set up, so now it even sounds like my room. My coats are in the closet, my DVDs on the shelf, my magnets are on the fridge, and I even have stuff in the attic. I physically feel like I'm home, now I'm just waiting to wake up and not feel like I'm on an extended vacation.
I've been searching and even applying for jobs already. Food Lion transferred me to a store here in Columbia, but I missed being on this coming week's schedule. So I've got another week stretching ahead of me with not a whole lot to do. I'm trying not to stress about finding a job. After all, I've only been looking for three days. I still have many months of unemployment coming in before I have to worry about "needing" a job right away. But I'm so tired of not working, and I'm feeling rather impatient. In some ways I feel like if I'm actually working, rather than sitting on my duff for most of the day waiting for Rachel and Laurie to get home, then I'll somehow feel useful. Moving here has been a long time coming. I've wanted to be here, and despite my whining, I really am excited to be here. In alot of ways I think this is where God wants me to be at this moment in my life. So I'm simply trying to remember that, and trust that since He's brought me this far, He won't suddenly leave me out to dry.
So here I am. Suddenly in this pattern of waiting again. Seems like the last six months that's all I've done. I waited for the Poland trip. I waited for moving day. And now... I'm waiting for a job. Waiting for a clear sign that says, "MELISSA! HERE IS WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP. AND THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED TO DO TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN."
(Flashing in very bright colors so that I can't possibly miss it.)
Does it ever really happen that way? I think it should.
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