First things first... Emily. I woke up Sunday morning just in the absolute depths of despair. Laurie woke me up for church and I wanted to bury my face back in the pillow and pretend it wasn't already time to go. I missed Emily so much, and then on top of that I was already missing Laurie and Rachel.
I hate leaving- I really do. And ever since Emily died, I hate saying goodbye even more. I'm still really struggling with the whole "getting too close to people because I'm afraid I couldn't survive losing someone else that I love" thing.
I was really dreading the drive back. But this time it actually passed quickly. I turned up the music on my iPod, and just let the memories flow through. It was actually a peaceful way to spend the day. I didn't have to try and force a smile if I didn't feel like it, and I cried a little when I needed to.
Somehow her birthday didn't hit me as hard as the 1st of April did. Maybe it had to do with being alone. Maybe it was because I'd been so busy during the week I wasn't constantly dwelling on it. Maybe it really is part of that healing process everyone keeps yacking about. I'm not sure.
Part of me wonders if it's because I just can't let myself think "it's her 22nd birthday" because I know that she'll never be 22. She's forever frozen in my mind at 20.
I feel a little disjointed and that I'm rambling all over the place, but it's hard to sort all these thoughts out.
I sponsored the altar flowers at church on Sunday in memory of Emily. Daisies, of course. I wasn't there to see them, but I had my mother bring them home. I've got one bunch here. The other one I took up to the tree her sorority sisters planted for her in Shippensburg. I think she'd have liked them. That's the first time I've been to the tree since it was planted. It looks really nice. I can't wait for it to bloom.
Happy Birthday Emily.
I'll save yesterday's saga for another post. Somehow it seems a little less important since I started writing this.
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