Twilight

Twilight.

It's my favorite time of day.

The sky is slowly fading into darkness... the fireflies are breaking up the blackness with their soft glow... and tonight I can hear the echo of the music from the Greencastle Carnival. The deck still smells of fresh wood, and the only thing that drove me inside was the rain that started again.

I love this time of day. It's comforting somehow- like the world is getting ready to go to sleep.

But even twilight's comforts aren't helping me much tonight. Tonight, I am depressed. It took almost a week, but the "downs" finally caught up to me. I don't miss my job, I honestly don't. To be perfectly honest, I really haven't given it a second thought since I walked out that door for the last time on Monday. 5 years of my life and still the dominant emotion is an overwhelming sense of relief to be out of there.

No, it's not the loss of my job. It's the loss of relationships. It's missing the meaningless everyday conversations that have been a part of my daily life for the last 5 years. I know that there are people that I won't lose touch with. But I'm also not naive enough to think that soon I'll be forgotten. The old "out of sight, out of mind" thing.

And tonight as the day winds down, I find myself just worrying about what comes next. What do I want to do? Where do I want to go? Who on earth am I anyway? Usually when I get in moods like this, I can push those thoughts away. "I'll deal with them another day".

Well 'another day' is fast apporaching and it's not quite as easy to push those nagging questions away.

And on top of it all, I miss Emily. I miss her most this time of day. And tonight, I wish she was here to make me feel better. To say something completely inappropriate and insensitive. To make me laugh in spite of myself, and remind me that it'll work out. I stare out into the lawn and watch the twinkling lights and try to find the words to talk to her. But they won't come tonight for some reason. But that's okay too- tonight the soft lights of the fireflies say enough.

Sometimes I wish I could be one of those fireflies. Just to come out as the world's getting dark and lend a little bit of light. No worries about money... no worries about jobs... about relationships.... just worrying about the possible kid who wants to stick you in a jar.

I guess I shouldn't berate myself for being a little depressed. I suppose I'd be in denial if I tried to say I wasn't. I know that there's a reason for this. I know that there's something else better on the way. And when I'm done feeling sorry for myself, I'll remember that I do have alot of options- and that in fact this has opened up an opportunity for change- to do something that I've been wanting to do for years.

Tomorrow I'll remember that. But tonight, oh tonight I'm slowly fading with the twilight into the dark, just waiting for the dawn to come again.

As it always does.