What a Sky ~ Wordless Wednesday

As Diana so eloquently calls it.... Emotional Vomit.

I have been home alone for approximately 4 days, 15 hours, 6 minutes, and 20 odd seconds.

And I've been lonely for approximately 4 days, 15 hours, and 6 minutes.

The 20 odd seconds was long enough to discover that suddenly.... I do not like being alone.

Which is a new emotion for me.

Perhaps it's the lack of full time employment that makes the days seem so much longer. Perhaps it's the feeling of being "in limbo" and not really doing anything productive. I leave for Poland in three weeks and one day- and I must confess I'm not in a huge hurry to be job hunting, at least until I get back. Maybe by then I'll have figured out what I want to do next.

So maybe it's the endless days stretching ahead that's got me down in the dumps. Maybe it's the constant re-hashing of what I should have done differently at work. Perhaps if I'd tried harder to not let my boss get to me, I wouldn't have been the one to get laid off. Maybe it's the missing my friends at work. Maybe it's the constant dwelling on "what on earth do I want to be when I grow up" that's getting to me. The quieter it is, the more I hear myself, and frankly I'm tired of my own company.

But what's got me laid low tonight is missing my Emily. I haven't really enjoyed being alone since she died. But the few times I have been alone, I had something to distract me. Like work. Now all I seem to have is time, and time makes me think, and when I think, I think about Emily.

Used to be when my parents were going away somewhere, I'd be counting down the days. Not because I was glad for them to be gone... but simply because I just enjoyed being alone. It made me feel like a real "grown-up". I could go where I want and not have to worry about calling. I could cook to my heart's content and make as many messes as I wanted without driving my poor mother batty. I could watch endless episodes of M*A*S*H and stay up until the wee hours of the morning without disturbing anyone. Until Emily came home. Then suddenly my peace and quiet turned into a whirling tornado of hysterics, dramatics, antics, and any other "ics" you can think of. And Emily always believed that she was rescuing me from boredom by showing up. After all, of the two of us.... I definitely was the boring one. If we were flavors of ice cream, Em was the Ben and Jerry's flavor "Everything But the Kitchen Sink". I'm plain vanilla.
I used to plead with mom and dad not to tell her they were going away. But somehow she always found out. She had some sort of radar or something. "Dorky sister, sitting at home. Must help".

I'm all alone. And I'm waiting for her to come bounding through the door, armed with doritios and soda, endless episodes of Friends DVD's, and whatever her latest "ic" of the week happened to be.

And every second that passes that the door stays closed, my heart breaks just a little more.

They weren't kidding when they say "alone" isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Oh how I miss her! Just when I think I'm starting to feel better, just when I think I really might have found the answer to "how high is up?" something comes along and sends me crashing right back to where I started! It's not FAIR!!! NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR!! I want to scream and cry and kick my heels against the ground and smash something into a million pieces. I want to shake my fist at God and tell Him just how royally ticked off I am! I want Emily back, I want to be employed, I don't want to be alone, and I want things to be back to the way they were. And I don't want to feel this alone anymore.

It sort of worries me that I no longer like being alone. I'll never be able to live by myself. I'll be the crazy woman with 50 cats or something. With lace doilies on the armchairs, knitting strewn everywhere and a house that smells like peppermint. You know, to cover up the cat box smell.
(And right now my parents are praying that this peppermint smelling house of cats is far, far, away. Can't blame them. Who wants to be known as the parents of the town's Crazy Cat Woman?)

Am I ranting? Why yes, I do believe I am. Better than exploding I suppose.

I guess the silver lining in this whole being laid off thing is that now that I have time in abundance, I'll soon be on my way to join the rest of my family at the beach. The best antidote for driving yourself crazy is to instead be driven crazy by your wonderfully insane family. And I say that in the most loving of ways. :)

Because seriously, another week of this alone crap would send me to the looney bin. After re-reading some of this, I think I may be halfway there.

But I do feel better after "throwing up" a little on here.

Now I'm just debating about whether to publish this, or keep it hidden in the drafts folder.

hmm....

Oh what the heck. Everyone knows I'm nuts anyway. Why hide it? ;)

Scaredy cat, scaredy cat, Melissa is a scaredy cat

I'm not going. To Poland. I'm not getting on that plane.

Nope.

I've decided.

Not gonna.

idontwanna.

No way.

no how.

nuh-uh.

nope.

no.

well... maybe I'll still go.

think I can take a boat instead?

I'm slightly pathetic.....

And the dawn breaks...

Today the sun's back out- bright and beautiful as I knew it would be. The blahs of last night are still lingering just a bit, but my outlook is much better.

I finally got the paperwork from the unemployment people. I've poured over it and gave my calculator quite the workout... and if I'm understanding it right, I really think I'm gonna be okay. I guess I know that, but I just need that constant reassurance. It makes me very nervous not to have a job. Well, a full-time job, I should say. I think I've got it figured out how many hours I can work part time and still draw partial unemployment. And with the severance pay I received.... I really think I'll be alright. I'm trying to consider this a blessing. One thing I've been complaining about for the last few months is not having any time to do anything. Now time is the one thing I have an abundance of.

In fact- I think I am going to head down to the beach with my family next week. They left yesterday and are on their way down as I type this. This'll be the first time they've gone to the beach and I haven't gone. This morning it hit me that I do not want to sit here festering alone for two weeks. And it's stupid to do so, when I probably won't have this chance again. So I threw myself on the mercy of Beth at Food Lion and put in a request for some time off for the following week. I won't know until Tuesday if I'll be able to go. I really, really hope so. I feel kind of foolish asking for time off since only last week I was begging for hours.... but I think she'll understand. *prays fervently*
So if I can go, that means I just have this week to get through. I've got enough stuff to do around here that the time should pass fairly quickly.

And then two weeks from then, I'll be on my way to Poland. I can't believe it's approaching so quickly. I'm still terrified about getting on that plane. I've been majorly freaking out for the last week. And it doesn't help that lately the news seems to be full of stories of plane crashes. In a very real way.... I do not want to go. I'm looking forward to the trip itself, but that nagging fear about the plane simply won't go away. I don't want to! Which is being stupid, I know. I keep reminding myself that I freaked out last year too, and I was fine.

Fine.

Everything is going to be fine.

Fine.



Do I sound convincing yet?

Twilight

Twilight.

It's my favorite time of day.

The sky is slowly fading into darkness... the fireflies are breaking up the blackness with their soft glow... and tonight I can hear the echo of the music from the Greencastle Carnival. The deck still smells of fresh wood, and the only thing that drove me inside was the rain that started again.

I love this time of day. It's comforting somehow- like the world is getting ready to go to sleep.

But even twilight's comforts aren't helping me much tonight. Tonight, I am depressed. It took almost a week, but the "downs" finally caught up to me. I don't miss my job, I honestly don't. To be perfectly honest, I really haven't given it a second thought since I walked out that door for the last time on Monday. 5 years of my life and still the dominant emotion is an overwhelming sense of relief to be out of there.

No, it's not the loss of my job. It's the loss of relationships. It's missing the meaningless everyday conversations that have been a part of my daily life for the last 5 years. I know that there are people that I won't lose touch with. But I'm also not naive enough to think that soon I'll be forgotten. The old "out of sight, out of mind" thing.

And tonight as the day winds down, I find myself just worrying about what comes next. What do I want to do? Where do I want to go? Who on earth am I anyway? Usually when I get in moods like this, I can push those thoughts away. "I'll deal with them another day".

Well 'another day' is fast apporaching and it's not quite as easy to push those nagging questions away.

And on top of it all, I miss Emily. I miss her most this time of day. And tonight, I wish she was here to make me feel better. To say something completely inappropriate and insensitive. To make me laugh in spite of myself, and remind me that it'll work out. I stare out into the lawn and watch the twinkling lights and try to find the words to talk to her. But they won't come tonight for some reason. But that's okay too- tonight the soft lights of the fireflies say enough.

Sometimes I wish I could be one of those fireflies. Just to come out as the world's getting dark and lend a little bit of light. No worries about money... no worries about jobs... about relationships.... just worrying about the possible kid who wants to stick you in a jar.

I guess I shouldn't berate myself for being a little depressed. I suppose I'd be in denial if I tried to say I wasn't. I know that there's a reason for this. I know that there's something else better on the way. And when I'm done feeling sorry for myself, I'll remember that I do have alot of options- and that in fact this has opened up an opportunity for change- to do something that I've been wanting to do for years.

Tomorrow I'll remember that. But tonight, oh tonight I'm slowly fading with the twilight into the dark, just waiting for the dawn to come again.

As it always does.

Welcome to unemployment

It's been three days and I'm still trying to get used to the idea that I am.....

unemployed.

Well, not completely unemployed. I still have my part time job at Food Lion, but on Monday I was laid off from Frick. Happy 1st Day Back from Vacation to me! I was in the office for about an hour and a half and then I got the phone call.

I'm still waiting to be upset. I'm not thrilled that I lost my job, but yet there's a huge part of me that feels an overwhelming sense of...

Relief. It's over.

I've been quite unhappy for a long time. Stressed out and frustrated and miserable to be perfectly honest. I've known for a long time that it was time to move on. I kept waiting for the "right time" to go, and kept finding reasons to put it off.
So the "right time" found me instead.

God's timing never ceases to amaze me. I'd been struggling all week last week with what I wanted to do, and where I wanted to go. Last Friday I found myself in the middle of Lauren's living room on my knees with my face buried in her couch, just praying that God would show me what to do.

I sure wasn't expecting an answer this quickly.

I've had three days to try and adjust to the idea, and I'm still feeling mostly relief, and a whole lot of peace.

I still have my job at Food Lion. I applied for unemployment yesterday. I did get a severance package that will sustain me for a little while. My biggest worry was that I leave for Poland in less than a month. But the trip is already paid for, the tickets are already purchased, and I can't back out now. So I'm still going.

It's like a month long vacation. And I have that long to figure out what I'm going to do next once I get back from my trip.

I'm really at peace about being laid off. But what really is bothering me is the people that I won't be seeing. I made so, so many close friends. I miss them already. I realized the other night that I wouldn't be able to go to my work Bible Study group on Wednesdays anymore. That's when I started crying.

But unbeknownst to me, the girls had something up their sleeves. Debbie called me yesterday morning and told me to meet them at Roxanne's house at lunch. They moved off site today so I could go. And those wonderful girls came bearing food, flowers, presents.... and alot of love.

When you start to feel like your world is crumbling apart, sometimes all it takes is to spend time with your girlfriends to remind you how strong the foundation you're standing on really is.

I guess a good way to look at it is that I have a month to really pray about what I want to do next, and where I want to go. Suddenly I find myself with quite a few options. I'm just waiting for the Boss to point me in the right direction...

Whirling thoughts and remembering

I could really use one of those Penseive things right about now. The last few days have been a complete whirlwind.

First things first... Emily. I woke up Sunday morning just in the absolute depths of despair. Laurie woke me up for church and I wanted to bury my face back in the pillow and pretend it wasn't already time to go. I missed Emily so much, and then on top of that I was already missing Laurie and Rachel.

I hate leaving- I really do. And ever since Emily died, I hate saying goodbye even more. I'm still really struggling with the whole "getting too close to people because I'm afraid I couldn't survive losing someone else that I love" thing.

I was really dreading the drive back. But this time it actually passed quickly. I turned up the music on my iPod, and just let the memories flow through. It was actually a peaceful way to spend the day. I didn't have to try and force a smile if I didn't feel like it, and I cried a little when I needed to.

Somehow her birthday didn't hit me as hard as the 1st of April did. Maybe it had to do with being alone. Maybe it was because I'd been so busy during the week I wasn't constantly dwelling on it. Maybe it really is part of that healing process everyone keeps yacking about. I'm not sure.

Part of me wonders if it's because I just can't let myself think "it's her 22nd birthday" because I know that she'll never be 22. She's forever frozen in my mind at 20.

I feel a little disjointed and that I'm rambling all over the place, but it's hard to sort all these thoughts out.

I sponsored the altar flowers at church on Sunday in memory of Emily. Daisies, of course. I wasn't there to see them, but I had my mother bring them home. I've got one bunch here. The other one I took up to the tree her sorority sisters planted for her in Shippensburg. I think she'd have liked them. That's the first time I've been to the tree since it was planted. It looks really nice. I can't wait for it to bloom.





Happy Birthday Emily.

I'll save yesterday's saga for another post. Somehow it seems a little less important since I started writing this.

Birthdays and bickering, loss and gain

It's hard to believe that a week has already flown by. This time a week ago I was chomping at the bit to get out of the office and on the road down here to Columbia. Now I'm sitting in the quiet of Laurie's living room lamenting that I'll have to leave in just three more days and wondering how on earth time goes so quickly.

Emily's been on my mind alot this week. Not that she isn't always, but especially so this week. My cousin Rachel reminds me of her in alot of ways. This visit even more so. Rach turned 14 yesterday. She's alot like Emily when it comes to her birthday. She's been counting down the days on facebook and telling everyone her birthday was this week, and bugging me relentlessly about what her mother bought her for her birthday. Since Laurie doesn't have any vacation time, Rachel and I got to spend her day together. We didn't really do much- we made a coffee cake yesterday morning, then we hit Starbucks and the mall. We were at Old Navy and Rachel talked me into buying a scarf. I'm not really a scarf person, but she convinced me that I didn't look like a complete fool. So I bought it. Still not 100% sure about the looking like a fool thing, but...

Spending the week with Rachel reminds me of having a little sister. Not that I'm looking for a surrogate by any means. No one can ever replace Emily. There is no one in this world like her. But maybe there's a part of my heart that can shift over a little bit. This week we've been bantering and teasingly bickering back and forth. I've missed it. I've missed that subtle art of being able to tease someone without crossing the line, because you know you can get away with it, because you're family and you know they're still going to love you.

I got a little teary-eyed yesterday too. I've got the phrase "Love Never Dies" on the background of my phone. Rachel showed me that she'd put the same thing on her phone.

I've missed having someone think I was cool enough to be copied.

Someone once told me that when God takes something away, He always gives you something else. Nothing can ever replace Emily. No one can ever fill that spot in my heart. But those little moments help soothe the rough edges around the hole. And it's not just with Rachel- when I'm with my cousin Sarah I often get the same feeling. Those girls remind me of what I've lost- but yet they also reminds me of what I still have.

Emily's birthday is this Sunday. I bought her a birthday card, but still don't know what to write in it. And I'll be spending the day in the car, driving back from South Carolina. In a way, I think that'll be a good way to spend the day. Thinking about her, missing her, and just.... remembering, I guess.

I'm really wishing I could capture time and hold it still for awhile.

Lights, music, and a few tears

I am having the best time this week. It's Monday and I've got the whole week still ahead of me. I've only been here since Thursday and it already feels like I've been here forever. Coming to Laurie's always feels like I've come home.

This weekend was a blast. We drove out to Dreher Island State Park to watch the fireworks. It was a great view- right above the lake. The "live band" we thought we would be hearing ended up being less than wonderful. As Lauren called it... it was an "oompah band". Next year we've decided that between the two of us we could suck up to, and flirt enough with, someone with a boat.

I hadn't really been thinking about Emily alot- until the fireworks started. All of a sudden I got choked up and the tears were streaming from my eyes. I missed her so much at that moment. I was looking up, and wondering if it was possible for her to be looking down at the same time. Remember that song from An American Tale, "Somewhere out there"? That's what it made me think of.

Laurie was holding my hand, tears were streaming, firworks were booming, the song was playing through my head, and I missed Emily so much it hurt to breathe.

Happy 4th Em. I miss you.

Got a case of the moldy blues...

I know that this probably doesn't rank up there with major catastrophe's, or can hardly even be considered a big deal...... but it's devastating nonetheless.

My favorite coaster seems to have contracted a case of mold.







Why is this my favorite coaster?

Well for starters, because of what it says. I love Google. I love self-depreciating humor. And I love the color red. Three of my favorite things all in one.

Oh yeah, and the biggest reason? Emily "gave" it to me. Loosely translated, she stole it from the Outback one night when we went to dinner. Although I'm not sure if it counts as stealing, as I think they expect people to take them.

It's strange how certain things are harder than others. Mom has trouble with Fudruckers. Dad has trouble at the Giant where Emily worked. I don't like the Outback anymore. Too many memories tied to it, I suppose. But I still love my Outback coaster.

I didn't think about how much my water cup "sweats" during the day, and now I've let it get moldy. I noticed it today, and as I held it in my hand... the reasonable part of my brain is saying "throw it away, it's icky". But as my hand hovers over the trash can, the unreasonable part of me that's tied to my heart is warring with the ick factor and won't let me let go. Somehow it feels like throwing away part of Emily's memory. As I'm re-reading my words, even I can see how unreasonable that sounds. But I still can't bring myself to do it.

Sigh

Anyone know a remedy for getting mold out of a cheap, yet priceless, cardboard coaster?

Haunting Memories- Wordless Wednesday

I've watched a few movies about the Holocaust over the last couple weeks. With the trip back to Poland coming up soon.... it's been on my mind alot. These were taken last year at the visit to Auschwitz.