Sunday, September 8, 2013

Are you there World? It's me...

If my blog was a book- it would certainly be covered in a layer of dust.  Anyone still with me, or have you all given up?  Let me remove the dust and uncover the keyboard....

I've actually written a couple of posts sporadically in the last year and a half, but I didn't want to hit publish.  At the time, there was so much going on I didn't feel right posting my "dirty laundry".  Now reading back on the few drafts that I saved... it's really not all that bad.  Perspective, eh?  I thought about using bits and pieces of various posts and starting over- but one of the things I like about journaling is that it's a journey.  And re-reading some of those thoughts I'd written gives me a glimpse into the person I was, and the changes I've gone through since then.  So I'll leave those posts as they are.  I might re-post a few here and there, we'll see.

So what have I been doing for the last year and a half? For starters- I've moved into a place of my own. I will leave it at that for now.  If I re-post some of the drafts I've written, they go into more detail. But that is for another time.  I survived another year of Emily's birthday, Christmas, the anniversary of Emily's death (I still hate phrasing it like that, but there really isn't anything better to call it), and another birthday.  It still sucks eggs. I also turned 30 this year.  That kind of sucks eggs too.  But then again, my sister will never get to complain about turning 30, so that kind of makes me feel like a jerk for whining.   Actually, it wasn't really turning 30 that bothered me.  It was turning 30 without Emily that was getting to me.  I couldn't help but imagine all of the awful things she would have been doing to mark the milestone.  So because I was feeling blue- I got a motorcycle.  Talk about a midlife crisis. 

That's just the outside surface of what's been going on.  Inside?  I'm still a bit of a mess- but then again, aren't we all in some way?  I was still talking to a therapist up until about 6 months ago.  I miss talking to her- alot.  But I realized that she'd given me all of the tools and skills she could to help me function. It got to a point where I just didn't have anything else to say that I hadn't already said.  And since her counseling and advice for my problems never changed, I figured I'd be better off saving my monthly co-pay and try doing what she said.  Turns out she was right on just about everything. I guess that's why she has all of those letters after her title. 

Now it's just a matter of listening to her and going through each day.  I learned alot about myself talking to her.  And realized that I was messed up long before Emily died- her death just brought it all to a breaking point.  So while I can't say that I am "cured"- I'm functional.  And I can get through the days without longing to curl up under the covers and let the world go by without me. 

So here I am.  Still wandering through trying to define how high is up- but at least feeling like I'm going forward and not falling back down.

If you're still out there- thanks for listening.

1 comment:

terri st. cloud said...

so good to see you!
still out here!