Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Worth more than silence

Usually my disappearance from my blog is the result of not having anything to say. Lately it’s been the opposite- I have too much to say, but I am not sure how to say it. One of the down sides of a blog is you aren’t always able to write freely. It’s one thing to write about yourself, but when it involves a sensitive situation with another person… the lines between public and private become blurred. Metaphorically, I don’t want to “air my dirty laundry”, so to speak, but yet my “dirty laundry” is stinking up my whole outlook these days.

Confused? Just wait. It doesn’t get much better.

For starters- I’ve moved out. Into my first big-girl-on-my-own space of my own. Which is exciting, and long overdue. I just wish that it had been under better circumstances. While I am LOVING my own space, and the freedoms that come with not having to answer to anyone else, my heart hurts because it has come at a high price. I’ve lost a relationship with someone that at one time meant more to me than just about anyone in the world. And I don’t know how to fix it. I feel the same sense of loss as I do with Emily. Only in some aspects it’s harder- especially knowing that this person is still very much alive and still very close by. But while the physical distance is short- the emotional distance might as well be to the moon. I’ve never dealt well with having someone this angry with me. At least, not so angry for this long. And with the unresolved guilt I still feel over my up-and-down relationship with Emily, I’m even more sensitive to leaving things unresolved. Life is too short, and you don’t always get a chance to make it right.

But how do you make someone forgive you- when they are just as much at fault? There were certainly things I could have done better- and given the chance to handle things differently, I probably would. But you can’t change the past. But while I am willing to admit to my mistakes and my failings, I won’t take the whole blame. It’s not a matter of being “right”. I don’t care about right or wrong. It’s a matter of thinking enough of myself, and having enough self worth to know that while it’s true that sometimes it’s easier to obtain “peace at any price”- sometimes the price is just too high.

By now, the old me would have apologized for everything, and would be begging for forgiveness- regardless of fault. And believe me; the thought has crossed my mind. Peace at any price again. But the new me? The new me has realized that she is not a doormat. The new me has realized that she is worth friendship, that she is worth being heard, and she is worth being loved for herself- not for what she does. Maybe the fact that the relationship crumbled over what now seems so insignificant is a sign that it wasn’t built on equal footing in the first place. And that is a hard truth to swallow.

What I want the most is simply to talk. Even if things can’t be repaired- I wish at least for the chance to try. Or I would be thankful for even a simple acknowledgement. Just to know where I stand. I hate confrontation more than anyone, and avoid it all costs- usually by hiding behind words. There’s a safety at least in written words. You can hit send and the ramifications are easier to deal with from behind a screen, rather than face to face. But it’s still better than silence. One of the cruelest ways to punish someone is by silence- you can’t reason with it. But yet it sends a message loud and clear- when you reach out to try and you’re met with nothing… that pretty much speaks volumes of what the other person thinks of you.

My worst fear is being unloved. And it’s happened- or at least that’s what it feels like. But you know what- it’s not the devastating end of the world I imagined it to be. Because I have realized this one simple truth:

I’m worth more than silence.

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