I find myself missing Emily tonight. The kind of missing that comes in waves.... it's the one minute I want to stare at her picture forever, and the next minute it hurts too much to see her smile. It's the I'd give anything to hear her voice, and the sudden gut wrenching sucker punch when I realize I can't remember what her voice sounds like anymore. It's the catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror and seeing her instead of me, and then being torn between looking for it again and wanting to smash the mirror to a million broken pieces.
I used a little of her perfume this morning and almost cried at the thought that it'll be gone soon.
I still haven't figured out what tense to talk about her in- was or is?
I was online today and wondered how pathetic it would be if I ordered myself a bouquet of daisies just because they remind me of her.
I find myself wanting to cry to someone, but sometimes seeing the other person's helplessness at my tears only makes me feel worse.
I feel depressed because I sometimes still feel guilty, and I feel guilty for being depressed.
As the 1st of April gets closer, the knot in my stomach tightens just a little more.
I fear that I will always dread spring, and I hate that feeling. But yet I also fear the moment when I don't because it means losing another little piece of her.
It hurts to hold onto all the broken pieces, but they're too deeply embedded to let go.
Emily- I miss you.
2 comments:
while certainly not the same, i can relate a little bit with losing my niece. and i know when the anniversary of her death came close, i feel apart. i was surprised. it was the second anniversary. shouldn't i be more together than this?? obviously not. i was a mess. and i walked thru a lot of darkness on my own as i didn't know how to share it with anyone. this is your sister! i can only just imagine how much harder it hits. be gentle with yourself. and know this....the darkness you walk thru will bring you to some sense of spring sooner or later. it'll be a different kinda spring. but there'll be one.
sooner or later. and the more gentle you are with yourself...the better.
I definitely hid behind school this April. 2 years without her... plus Nick and I broke up for a period of time... plus I didn't get into an internship... plus all of the projects/papers/tests that all seem to come at the end of the semester at the senior level... I was so not ready to actually face any of the tough stuff.
I have serious respect for you for not ignoring everything. It's way tougher, but it's far better and braver.
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