Hope

I've started and stopped about 12 different blog entries in the last month or so. I just couldn't seem to find the right words to finish what I wanted to say.
Lately, I'm not even sure I know what I want to say.

My grandmother passed away two weeks ago today. She's been sick for a very long time, and I knew that it was inevitable... but it sure doesn't make it any easier. Someone actually had the audacity to say to me, "That's sad, but at least it's not as bad as when your sister died." To phrase it as eloquently as I can- that's crap. It still amazes me at all the stupid things people say. I think I understand what they were trying to say- it is a little different when someone dies so young, as opposed to someone who was 80. I'll admit I'm guilty of reading through the obituaries and kind of by-passing the ones who were in their 70's and 80's, yet reading through the ones who were in their 20's or 30's. I suppose in a way, we try and make it easier to deal with by telling ourselves that because they lived such a long life, it's a little easier to say goodbye. And maybe there is some truth in that. I miss my grandmother, but I would be lying if I said it was the same sense of loss as when Emily died. But that definitely doesn't mean the loss is any less, just different. I lost a grandmother, but my dad and my aunts and uncle lost a mother. It's different relationships, different personalities.... you can't measure loss, you can't put emotion in a box. Grief is definitely not a one-size fits all kind of deal.

I fell in love with Shirley Temple movies because of Mom-Mom. I think we watched "A Little Princess" every single time we went to see them. I loved listening to her stories- about her past, about her family. I especially loved the ones about how bad my dad was when he was little. And it made my heart hurt for my dad and my aunts and uncle as I listened to them talk about her, their memories of her, and knowing that there really wasn't anything I could say or do to make it better. At her funeral, I really wanted to get up and say something, but I just couldn't get ahold of myself enough to be able to articulate what I wanted to say. My cousin Shannon played "My Heart Will Go On", on her flute, and I fell apart from there. I found myself crying so hard, and I'm not sure if I was crying for Mom-Mom, or because of the song and the words that go to it are so meaningful, for all of our family, or for Emily, or just a combination of it all.

This year has been horrible, for all of us. My suggestion was that we all get together on New Year's Eve and get trashed and forget that it ever happened. And I was only slightly kidding when I suggested it. But I've been trying to remember some of the good moments. (I think there was one.)
But in all seriousness, this year has really made me realize how amazing my family really is. I think we tend to take them for granted, because they're family, and you just assume they'll always be there. In some cases that could be a good or bad thing. (grin) I have aunts, uncles, and cousins that live two hours away, that in the past I've seen maybe once or twice a year. I mean seriously, that's ridiculous. So if there's any good at all to come from this mess that has been 2008, it's made me more aware of how important it is to make time for family.

Something I've been thinking alot about lately too is hope. I definitely haven't been feeling alot of that lately. People bandy that word about all the time, "I hope I get that promotion", "I hope he calls soon", "I hope she gets better", "I hope mom makes chocolate chip cookies for dessert", "I hope things get easier", but what does it really mean? So I went to Google. I love Google. Where did people go to find out stuff before it came along? Anyway, according to the all-knowing Internet, hope is "a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life. Hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best."
Isn't that kind of like being optimistic? Not really... optimism is more of.... a thought process that leads to a positive attitude. Hope is a belief, an emotion. You can talk yourself into being optimistic- but hopefulness comes through belief. And faith. I think you can be optimistic without faith, but faith is the very foundation of hope. Emily Dickinson wrote in a poem that "'Hope' is the thing with feathers-- / That perches in the soul." The verse on my daily calendar today is "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23. The word that sticks out most to me is unswervingly. That is HARD to do. I can't say that I've been able to do that. I've never lost my faith, but I definitely have lost hope. But that's the beauty of faith. If you lose your optimism, you don't really have anything to fall back on. It's kind of hard to talk yourself into being positive, when you feel like you're in a downward spiral. But even if you lose hope, or feel like you've lost it, you still have faith to catch you as you fall. And you don't have to talk yourself back into hope. Faith lifts it back up. "Yet this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope. Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning, great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:21-23

I can be optimistic that 2009 is going to be a better year. I can be optimistic that things at work will change. I can be optimistic that Mr. Right will someday call (soon, preferably!) I can be optimistic that mom-mom and Emily are better now, even if it wasn't the way I would have chosen. I can be optimistic that things will get easier. I can even be optimistic that mom might make chocolate chip cookies. But those things are all based on the power of positive thinking. My hope is based on the faith in knowing that even if that all doesn't happen, He's still going to be there in the aftermath and mess. Well, maybe not so much with the whole chocolate chip cookie thing. I don't think He's really all that concerned about that. (grin)

So to the rest of the year 2008- bring it on. You've thrown your worst at me, and I've survived. You've taken the people I love away, but you can't take away love, because love never dies. I have faith, and with faith I have hope. And with that, I can't be beat.