Slow Fade ~ 15 Words or Less Poetic Challenge

Slow Fade

sunlight fading
on the vastness of the sea
whispering goodbye
as you flow away from me

The comment about my poem this week was that it was beautiful and sad. I guess it is kind of melancholy. The ocean makes me think of Emily. I don't know if it's the sheer endlessness of the water, the rhythm of the waves, the solitude, or just simply because the last time I talked to her was at the beach. Whatever the reason, Emily and the ocean are synonymous in my mind.


There were alot of great poems tied to this picture. Check them out!

15 words or less Poetic Challenge

I'd gotten out of the habit of coming up with something for Laura Salas's 15 Words or Less Poetic Challenge. The poem doesn't have to be about the picture specifically, just something that the picture reminds you of.

Thought I'd give this week's a go...

Suspended

hold your breath
suspended in time
waiting in anticipation
barely breathing
lest it sway the outcome

Childhood is the Kingdom where Nobody dies

(I'm spending a rainy afternoon clearing out the blogs I had saved in my "drafts" folder, and I came across this one. I wrote it back in June. No idea why I never hit publish. It's interesting to re-read the things I've written. In a way it gives me a different perspective on, well, myself. I think at the time I was feeling a little too vulnerable to send it out. One of the bloggers I frequent has a quote posted on her blog by Anais Nin: We write to taste life twice, in the moment, and in retrospection." That's somewhat fitting in my case. So I decided to send it out.)


June 9th, 7PM
I had a dream last night that we were at our old house in Alabama. I can't tell you what the dream was about, who was in it, or if it was even a good or bad dream. I just remember seeing the house. I've been back to Alabama twice since we moved away. Both times I drove by our old house. Both times I stopped in front and thought about asking whoever lived there if I could come in. But I was too afraid to see the changes. I think sometimes it's easier to remember the way things were, instead of what they end up being.

But now, I kind of wish I could see the house in a way. I want to close my eyes and see the ghosts. I want to sit in front of the fireplace and run my fingers over the singed spots from the sparks. I want to see us horsing around on the floor. I used to lay on my back and stick my feet up. Emily would lay on my feet and I'd "fly" her through the air. I want to remember the night of the "Blizzard of 1993" when the power went out and we all had to sleep in the living room. Emily and I fought over who got to use the Turkish blanket, and then the dog ended up sleeping on it anyway. I want to know if the rocks we painted are still in the front yard. I want to sit in the middle of the floor and picture the sea of Barbie dolls and accessories that engulfed the living room. I want to run my hand across the mantle where we hung our Christmas stockings. I want to open the closet door and laugh at the mismatched sqaure from when I set the carpet on fire. I want to remember Emily that way all the time. I wish Emily had stayed that way. I wish I had stayed that way. I want to tell the two ghost girls to stay in those moments forever.

I want to... I want to....

I want to go back to my childhood.

I've never had that desire before. I've never wished I could be a certain age again. But I've never had to, not until I was faced with having to get older without Emily. I wish I could go back to before life became complicated. Before Emily became angry. Before we started hating each other and she was still the loveable ditz that drove me crazy, but she was too darn cute to stay angry with.

One of the books I'm reading has an excerpt from a poem by Edna St. Vincent Millay that struck me when I read it. :

"Childhood is not from birth to a certain age and at a certain age
The child is grown, and puts away childish things.
Childhood is the kingdom where nobody dies."

I miss my kingdom.

I haven't felt this melancholy in awhile. And when I started writing this blog- my intent was a funny story. I'm not sure what made it morph into melancholy. I guess that's just part of living with two dominant sides. The side that wants to move on, to smooth the ragged edges of the hole in my heart, and the side that wants to stay in bed and weep for my sister, that's afraid of letting the hole close lest it forgets.

Light and Shadows

Present and Past

What is and What should be

I guess in all honesty- even if I could go back to my childhood, I don't think I would. Kingdoms don't last forever.

But I still miss it.

As I was writing this, I did a search on Google to make sure I got the quote from the poem right. And found the poem in it's entirety.
Whoa.

Childhood is not from birth to a certain age and at a certian age
The child is grown, and puts away childish things.
Childhood is the kingdom where nobody dies.

Nobody that matters, that is. Distant relatives of course
Die, whom one never has seen or has seen for an hour,
And they gave one candy in a pink-and-green stripèd bag, or a jack-knife,
And went away, and cannot really be said to have lived at all.

And cats die. They lie on the floor and lash their tails,
And their reticent fur is suddenly all in motion
With fleas that one never knew were there,
Polished and brown, knowing all there is to know,
Trekking off into the living world.
You fetch a shoe-box, but it's much too small, because she won't curl up now:
So you find a bigger box, and bury her in the yard, and weep.

But you do not wake up a month from then, two months,
A year from then, two years, in the middle of the night
And weep, with your knuckles in your mouth, and say Oh, God! Oh, God!

Childhood is the kingdom where nobody dies that matters, - mothers and fathers don't die
And if you have said, "For heaven's sake, must you always be kissing a person?"
Or, "I do wish to gracious you'd stop tapping on the window with your thimble!"
Tomorrow, or even the day after tomorrow if you're busy having_fun,
Is plenty of time to say, "I'm sorry, mother."
To be grown up is to sit at the table with people who have died, who neither listen nor speak;
Who do not drink their tea, though they always said
Tea was such a comfort.

Run down into the cellar and bring up the last jar of raspberries; they are not tempted.
Flatter them, ask them what was it they said exactly
That time, to the bishop, or to the overseer, or to Mrs. Mason;
They are not taken in.
Shout at them, get red in the face, rise,
Drag them up out of their chairs by their stiff shoulders and shake them and yell at them;
They are not startled, they are not even embarrassed; they slide back into their chairs.
Your tea is cold now.
You drink it standing up,
And leave the house.

Waiting

I've been avoiding my blog lately. Actually, I've been in such a funk lately, I've been trying to avoid practically everything.

You know that feeling you get when something's gnawing at you, and you just don't know how, or don't want, to deal with it? That's been me.

Job searching is the pits. I absolutely hate it. I dread logging onto the computer and clicking on the job pages. It's draining. It's tiring. It's depressing. And I'm sick of it. I just want this phase of my life to be over. I want to be employed. I hate that I dread Sunday afternoons because it means that Monday is coming and I have yet another empty week looming ahead. I am sick of my own company. I want to complain about having to get up early, and I want to count down the hours until 5pm again. I don't want to have to worry about how long unemployment benefits will last, and I don't want a guilt trip every time I want to splurge on a coffee from Starbucks. I just want to return to a sense of normalcy.

I do love being here. I love everything about it. I love the fact that I've only had to pull out the heavy winter coat twice so far this winter. I love the slower pace and the easy-going temperaments of the South. Someone at Kroger the other day told me I had a beautiful smile. And living with Lauren and Rachel is probably one of the best things that's ever happened to me. By all accounts, I should be deliriously happy.

It's just this stupid "unemployment" cloud hanging over my head that's messing everything up. Because the fact of the matter is, I feel absolutely useless. I know, I know. There are plenty of things I could be doing. I could be working part time. I could be volunteering somewhere. My mother thinks I should write a book. But I just can't get my heart into any of it because I feel so unsettled, and just out and out worried.

Two weeks ago, I went on an interview for an admin position for a manufacturing company. Then the next week, I got called back in for a second interview. I really thought I nailed it. Thought I was a shoo-in for the position, and that I'd already be working by now.

I still haven't heard whether I got it. And it is driving me absolutely insane. I'm to the point now where I almost don't care what the answer is. I just want to know. No, that's not entirely true. I really want this job.

The waiting is really coloring my attitude, and my outlook. Poor Lauren- I've been on a stretch of highs and lows for the last two weeks. I'm surprised she isn't ready to send me packing yet. My parents are probably rolling their eyes when they see a text message from me, whining about "why haven't they called me yet." I obviously am a firm believer in the whole "misery loves company" theory and am attempting to force it upon all those that I come in contact with.

In the big scheme of things- it could be worse. I've only been searching for a little over three months, and there were three major holidays thrown into the mix. Unemployment is still available, so long as I can get the extension. I have a place to stay, and a family that's not going to let me get kicked out into the street.

But I'm disheartened. And I don't know how to fix that. I've heard every pep talk, heard enough "something will come along"s, and tried every positive thinking method there is. Frankly, it just ain't cutting it. I never was one for platitudes. I'm too much of a realist for my own good I think. Or maybe too much of a pessimist. I wish I wasn't like this. I wish I could really believe what Lauren and my mother keep telling me- that they know something will come along soon. I guess it's a good thing that I have optimistic people in my life. Maybe their good attitudes are enough to counteract my pessimistic one.

And so there's nothing left to do but wait and try not to drive everyone batty with my mood swings. I'll wait, wondering if staring hard enough at the phone will make it ring on command.

Perhaps God is using this time to teach me some much needed patience. Or perhaps He wants to see just how close I'll get to going off the deep end. Or maybe He's using me to teach my family how to love someone at their worst.

I'm kidding- I know He doesn't work like that. But I sure do wish He'd help hurry this job thing along.

Meanwhile, I'll still be sitting here.

Waiting.