Things always look better in the daylight...

You'd think I'd have learned by now that hitting "publish" on a post that I've written in the late hours of the evening/early hours of the morning isn't always a good idea. Darkness seems to invite darkness and it never fails that the darkness of night seems to seep into my mind and heart., and thus carries over into my words. I woke up this morning thinking, "hmm... maybe I shouldn't have actually posted that after all". I find it easier to write what's on my mind rather than actually say it. I'm uncomfortable sharing, and showing, emotions. Emotions can't be controlled, and nothing makes me feel more uncomfortable than being in situations that I don't have a handle on. Words can be controlled. I can force words to say exactly what I want and how I want. I can edit, revise, and re-structure as many times as I want, to make sure it says exactly what I want. (I never realized how much of a control-freak I am.) And when you're up late and not sleeping, sometimes all you want is for someone to realize that you're hurting.

But then the morning comes and you realize that it really isn't quite as bad as you thought. As most things do, it looks better in the daylight. Not that what I was thinking and feeling wasn't real... but I think when you allow the darkness to settle in... that's all you'll ever see. Darkness.

I re-read what I posted and this morning realized that I don't want to be that person. I can't honestly say that I feel better than I did last night. That I don't have that same hollow feeling when I think about Emily, and Terri, and other family memebers and friends that have died. But I do feel different. I realized that I don't want to be that person that can only see the ugliness. I don't want to shut off everything and everyone and hide out in the dark. After all, things look better in the light, right? I need to remember that...