The breeze, it is a-blowing

It's a Friday afternoon.

It's sunny, 73 degrees, and a beautiful fall day. My windows are open, and the breeze is clearing out the stuffiness and stale air from the house. As corny as this sounds, I can almost taste Fall. It's slightly chilly, but a comfy sweatshirt and a pair of socks make the afternoon perfect.

Almost.

It's one of those times where everything comes together to make a moment almost perfect. Except for this heaviness that I just can't shake.

Terri's death makes me realize yet again how fleeting life is. In less than a month, she went from being healthy to being diagnosed with cancer, admitted into the hospital, then all to suddenly, she died. In a month. It takes me a month to get around to changing the water in my fish tank.

Heather's latest news makes me ache for my friend. And makes me curse the helplessness that I feel. Cancer is raging through her body and there isn't a dammed thing I can do about it. We met for breakfast this morning, and I had to bite back the platitudes and phrases I know she must be sick of. "What can I do? What do you need? I wish there was something I could do. I know you're going to beat this." But the thing is.... even though all those things are the wrong thing to say....not saying it leaves you with nothing to say. And that's harder. I think I can understand now why all those people said those stupid things after Emily died. Because silence is harder to bear.

I've been so lonely. I've been having a major pity party for myself. These last few weeks I've felt like the people who I thought were closest to me have abandoned me and forgotten me. I've been angry, I've been bitter, and I've been depressed. I lost a job, I lost a Bible Study group, but I didn't really expect to lose the people.

But things change. People change. And relationships change. I'm not really angry anymore. And I decided that being bitter wasn't hurting anyone but me. Sometimes the easiest thing to do is let go. I have good memories from these people. I'd rather hang onto that and keep those thoughts alive, rather than tarnish their memories with bitterness. Perhaps I should have tried harder. Made more of an effort. Sent more e-mails. Maybe not have inserted cutting and catty remarks on my blog on the off chance that they were reading it. Perhaps I should have.... should not have.... perhaps....
But one thing I've come to realize is that the people who truly love you, are the ones that won't make you try harder. Let me rephrase that..'cause sometimes friendship is hard. They won't make you try harder all on your own.

My heart is still so sore from Terri's death. And I am still helpless in regards to Heather's cancer. Even though I've let go, I still sometimes miss the familiarity of what I've lost. And Emily is the ever present shadow that I don't think will ever leave.

But yet... all these things offer one beam of light. I can still reach out a hand to a friend that is hurting, even if there is nothing to say. I re-live memories of friends and realize that sometimes there are certain ones that you only have for a season. And then the season changes. And everywhere I go, I take a piece of Emily with me. And still...I'm still here. I'm here and can appreciate the beauty that is outside my window at this very moment. It doesn't sound like much in the face of all this sadness. But sometimes a little is still enough to get by.

Seems the breeze blowing through my window has cleared the stuffiness out of more than just the room.