Emily used to always write notes to apologize when she'd done something to upset me. It drove me nuts- I don't know why. I used to tell her that if she really wanted to apologize, she ought to do it face to face instead of in a note. Stupid, right?
I was a bossy brat... I never stopped to consider that she probably used to write notes to apologize because I was horrible about holding grudges. I didn't make it easy for her, that's for sure.
My mother was at my grandparents house last weekend, and Grandma gave her a note I'd written to Emily that that she'd found and saved. I can't believe she saved it all these years, but I'm glad she did.....
Dated June 21,1996
"Emily,
I'm sorry about fighting with you. I don't like getting upset, and sometimes I know I can be bossy, but I don't mean to be, it's just that you're my only sister and I want to look after you. I'll try not to be bossy, and I'll try not to act like your mother all the time. I <3 u so very much!
You're loving sister,
Melissa
XOXO"
I have no idea what I did that made her so mad that I had to write a note to apologize to her. I must've really ticked her off though.
I just wish that I had tried harder to look after her.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Angels?
I’m not sure if I believe in angels.
I remember when I was younger, Pastor Mark told us in Sunday School that when someone died, they did not become angels when they went to Heaven- that angels are a separate celestial being. I remember being bitterly disappointed- my vision of all of us up there sitting on clouds with wings and halos and playing harps was pretty much shattered.
But now that I’m not 10 anymore, and understand a little better about what he meant, it would sometimes irritate me when people referred to their loved one as “Angel so-and-so.” It’s just not the way it works. But, everyone has different ways of coping. And if they want to believe that their loved one is an angel, so be it. That kind of thinking didn’t really help me. I know my sister, and I know for a fact that there is no way that Emily would be content to sit around playing a silly harp. And don’t get me started on what her opinion would be of wings. She’d probably have demanded a set of black ones, just to be contrary.
I’m not sure what to think about when people say that those who have died are watching over us. Can they really see us? That could be kind of scary. But if they can, I’m at least hoping that there’s no way that she can tattle on me when I’m doing something I don’t want Mom and Dad to know about. But seriously, that’s kind of disconcerting. How does the whole thing work anyway? Does she know what’s been going on since she left us? Can she hear me when I talk to her? Do I have to wait to get to Heaven to fill her in? If I do, I’m screwed. I can’t remember it all- I’m lucky I remember what I had for breakfast this morning. I never really put much thought into what happens when you get to Heaven. It’s not something that we can ever understand while we are here, so I don’t waste my time thinking about it, because I’ll never really understand it. I guess that’s all part of the whole black-and-white thinking aspect of my personality. If I don’t understand it, I don’t dwell on it. Kind of like my stance on timezones. Wherever I am, that’s what time it is. Doesn’t matter what time it is where you used to be, it is what it is where you are. But that’s another issue.
But back to the whole being an angel thing. I bring this up because of something that happened last week in Poland. Thrivent Financial for Lutherans is the group that sponsored this trip. Thrivent has a partnership with Habitat for Humanity, and that’s how these trips are coordinated. A team is considered 10 people, and for every 10, Thrivent gives a $10,000.00 donation to the local Habitat group. Because we had a team of 20 this year, Thrivent generously gave the extra $10,000.00 to Habitat in Poland. We couldn’t tell Adam, our Habitat coordinator, until the official okay came through. I guess Thrivent had to make sure that all 20 of us were actually there, etc. Our team leader, Terri, got the go-ahead on Thursday to inform Adam that the additional money was coming. Unbeknownst to her, that morning Adam had been to the bank and found out that they may not have had enough money to pay the workers. So when he came to the jobsite and found out that the extra money was coming…. it gave us all goosebumps. And when Terri told us that if even one person had not shown up, Thrivent would not have been able to give the $20,000.00, I almost cried. See, after Emily died- raising money for this trip was the last thing on my mind. And I knew that there was no way I could have afforded it on my own. I had decided that I was going to call Terri and tell her that I just didn’t think that I was going to be able to go. But before I could, that’s when my parents told me that they were using part of Em’s life insurance money to send me over there. Whoa. I knew there was no way I could back out. I never told Terri any of this, until that day. She cried when I told her about Emily's insurance money.
Later, we had all signed our names on the side of our trailer. Terri added one more :
"Anoit Emily"- Angel Emily in Polish.
Maybe there are such things as angels.
I remember when I was younger, Pastor Mark told us in Sunday School that when someone died, they did not become angels when they went to Heaven- that angels are a separate celestial being. I remember being bitterly disappointed- my vision of all of us up there sitting on clouds with wings and halos and playing harps was pretty much shattered.
But now that I’m not 10 anymore, and understand a little better about what he meant, it would sometimes irritate me when people referred to their loved one as “Angel so-and-so.” It’s just not the way it works. But, everyone has different ways of coping. And if they want to believe that their loved one is an angel, so be it. That kind of thinking didn’t really help me. I know my sister, and I know for a fact that there is no way that Emily would be content to sit around playing a silly harp. And don’t get me started on what her opinion would be of wings. She’d probably have demanded a set of black ones, just to be contrary.
I’m not sure what to think about when people say that those who have died are watching over us. Can they really see us? That could be kind of scary. But if they can, I’m at least hoping that there’s no way that she can tattle on me when I’m doing something I don’t want Mom and Dad to know about. But seriously, that’s kind of disconcerting. How does the whole thing work anyway? Does she know what’s been going on since she left us? Can she hear me when I talk to her? Do I have to wait to get to Heaven to fill her in? If I do, I’m screwed. I can’t remember it all- I’m lucky I remember what I had for breakfast this morning. I never really put much thought into what happens when you get to Heaven. It’s not something that we can ever understand while we are here, so I don’t waste my time thinking about it, because I’ll never really understand it. I guess that’s all part of the whole black-and-white thinking aspect of my personality. If I don’t understand it, I don’t dwell on it. Kind of like my stance on timezones. Wherever I am, that’s what time it is. Doesn’t matter what time it is where you used to be, it is what it is where you are. But that’s another issue.
But back to the whole being an angel thing. I bring this up because of something that happened last week in Poland. Thrivent Financial for Lutherans is the group that sponsored this trip. Thrivent has a partnership with Habitat for Humanity, and that’s how these trips are coordinated. A team is considered 10 people, and for every 10, Thrivent gives a $10,000.00 donation to the local Habitat group. Because we had a team of 20 this year, Thrivent generously gave the extra $10,000.00 to Habitat in Poland. We couldn’t tell Adam, our Habitat coordinator, until the official okay came through. I guess Thrivent had to make sure that all 20 of us were actually there, etc. Our team leader, Terri, got the go-ahead on Thursday to inform Adam that the additional money was coming. Unbeknownst to her, that morning Adam had been to the bank and found out that they may not have had enough money to pay the workers. So when he came to the jobsite and found out that the extra money was coming…. it gave us all goosebumps. And when Terri told us that if even one person had not shown up, Thrivent would not have been able to give the $20,000.00, I almost cried. See, after Emily died- raising money for this trip was the last thing on my mind. And I knew that there was no way I could have afforded it on my own. I had decided that I was going to call Terri and tell her that I just didn’t think that I was going to be able to go. But before I could, that’s when my parents told me that they were using part of Em’s life insurance money to send me over there. Whoa. I knew there was no way I could back out. I never told Terri any of this, until that day. She cried when I told her about Emily's insurance money.
Later, we had all signed our names on the side of our trailer. Terri added one more :
"Anoit Emily"- Angel Emily in Polish.
Maybe there are such things as angels.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Missing Emily....
"...because without her, I don't make sense."
That's a line from "In Her Shoes", which I am watching at the moment.
And I don't make sense.
And I miss her.
That's a line from "In Her Shoes", which I am watching at the moment.
And I don't make sense.
And I miss her.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Back to reality? Really? This is it?
I'm back in the States.... back to work.... back to my computer... back to my e-mails, telephone, and endless list of complaints. It's back to the part-time job at Food Lion tonight, which I am dreading like a trip to the dentist.
More about the trip later when I'm not cranky and tired, but one important thing I've learned since I got back?
I.Am.Working.Too.Hard.
Life is too short to waste it being stressed all the time.
More about the trip later when I'm not cranky and tired, but one important thing I've learned since I got back?
I.Am.Working.Too.Hard.
Life is too short to waste it being stressed all the time.
Well I'm back in the States, trying to get back into the swing of things, and hating every moment of it. Somehow trying to pretend to care about the 352 e-mails I still have waiting for me is even harder than before. It just doesn't seem to really matter much, in light of last week.
I even hate the thought of going to work at Food Lion tonight.
I.Have.Too.Much.To.Do.
I even hate the thought of going to work at Food Lion tonight.
I.Have.Too.Much.To.Do.
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