"How was your Christmas?"
How do I answer that? No let me rephrase that--- I don't know how people want me to answer that. Do they want to know the truth? Or do they want to hear me put a happy face on it? I'm in a bit of a quandry... I've been on a truth kick lately. But no one wants to be thought of as a Scrooge at Christmas, and no one really wants to hear that your Christmas wasn't all jingle bells and twinkling lights. It makes them feel bad, and it makes me feel worse for making them feel bad. So instead of lying through my teeth, I've settled for the non-committal half shrug that is becoming all too familiar. The "things-really-aren't-okay-but-we-both-know-you-don't-want-to-hear-me-say-it,-so-I'll-say-nothing,-and-you-feel-like-a-better-person-for-asking-and-I-don't-come-across-as-a-mopey-jerk-for-actually-saying-what-we-both-really-know-is-the-truth" shrug. People amuse me, seriously they do. Why do we spend so much time pretending?! If you don't want to know, I'd really just rather you spare us both the effort and don't ask, simply because you feel some sort of obligation.
Temper tantrum over. And of course, I'm not talking about everyone. There are a few of my friends who have asked, who I know genuinely want to know, who I don't have to pretend with, and who won't judge me for not putting on a brave, happy face.
So how was Christmas? After all that-- I don't even know how I want to answer that. It was both good and bad. I'd be lying (which I'm not doing anymore) if I said that I wasn't excited about my new 16-gallon fish aquarium, or my Flyers jersey, or the other cool things that were waiting for me under the tree. But there was still an emptiness that couldn't be ignored. In some ways, Christmas afternoon didn't feel like Christmas at all. It was like... well, any other day. Aside from the fact that there were a whole lot of really cool presents that morning. Maybe that was a coping method- maybe it was easier to deal with if I tried not to think too hard that it was Christmas. I'm not sure. It's very hard to try and put the feeling into words. Maybe it's because there aren't any.
Honestly, for me this year, Christmas Eve was the saving grace. Sitting in that sanctuary listening to Silent Night being sung by candlelight, that's when I most felt like it was Christmas. Christmas Eve I didn't have to pretend it was anything but what it was. It wasn't about me, it wasn't about Emily, it wasn't about family, or friends, or anything other than the real meaning of Christmas. For those five minutes, I felt at peace. It's where my thoughts drifted back to all throughout the day on Christmas. It's a familiar carol, and as sometimes is the case with familiar carols, you often don't really pay attention to the words. But it makes me think- that night wasn't exactly all twinking lights and tinsel either. It was a scared young mother, and an equally terrified father. It was frightened shepherds and probably nervous animals. But in the midst of confusion and fright and uncertainty, God sends His Son to earth. And I can just imagine that after He was born, in the midst of all that confusion and fright and uncertainty, there was peace. And after the angels appeared, in the midst of the shepherds fright and confusion and uncertainty, there was peace and reassurance. And in the midst of my own confusion and uncertainty, there were those few moments of peace and comfort. In the form of a reminder from a song, and in the grasp of a friend's hand.
So that was my Christmas. It wasn't the Christmases I've been used to for the last 25 years. And it wasn't even the nightmare I was imagining it to be. Instead it was a reminder of all that it ought to be. I look at Emily's little paper on the fridge in a whole new light- "Jesus is the Reason for the Season". Merry Christmas Em- I miss you.
Silent night, holy night
All is calm, all is bright
'Round yon virgin mother and Child
Holy infant so tender and mild
Sleep in heavenly peace
Sleep in heavenly peace
Silent night, holy night,
Shepherds quake at the sight.
Glories stream from heaven afar,
Heav'nly hosts sing Alleluia;
Christ the Saviour is born
Christ the Saviour is born
Silent night, holy night,
Son of God, love's pure light.
Radiant beams from Thy holy face,
With the dawn of redeeming grace,
Jesus, Lord at Thy birth
Jesus, Lord at Thy birth
No comments:
Post a Comment