Just put some tinsel on it

So it seems that the powers that be didn't read my last blog about putting Christmas on hold until it stops hurting.

Christmas is bothering me more than I thought it would. I guess it's not a good sign when I'm too bummed to want to annoy my co-workers. As much as I used to love Christmas, as much as I loved lights and all that--- putting them up at work was more just to annoy my co-workers. I've won the award the last three years for most decorated cubicle. And I just haven't been able to bring myself to put them up here. A few people have asked where they are. I don't have the energy to make the extra effort to pretend that this Christmas is going to be okay. Let someone else put up lights in their office. This year, I just don't care.

A friend of mine that I work with came over a couple weeks ago and was asking me what Emily's full name was, how to spell it, and the dates. She wouldn't tell me why she needed to know all that. And anyone who knows me knows how much I hate that. It's not that I don't like surprises---- I don't like to be teased with it. If you don't want me to know yet--- don't bring it up.
Well anyway, she came over yesterday and had something in her hands. I'm telling myself, "be nice, be nice, be nice. Her heart is in the right place. Be nice, be nice, be nice. Maybe it's not as bad as you think it is." So she gives me this box. I asked if it was going to make me cry, and she said "probably". Crap. It was going to be as bad as I was thinking it was going to be. I said maybe I'll open it later, and of course, no--- she wants me to open it right there with her watching. Because everyone who knows me knows how much I love to cry in front of people. Grrrr. So I open the box, and pull out something soft and velvety. It was a "Christmas Memory Stocking"-- the top says "In the Spirit and Memory of Emily Ruth Norman" and has the dates. It was very thoughtful of her, and I know her heart was in the right place..... but I hate it. I feel like a terrible person, but I can't help it. I hate it. It was all I could do to try and not let it show, because I didn't want to hurt her feelings for anything. I hope she couldn't tell, because apparantely I am not so good at hiding my emotions. I don't know why the stocking bothers me so much, but it does. And it came with this syrupy-sweet card about how you're supposed to get people to write their memories of the person and put them in the stocking, and on Christmas Day you're supposed to read them so that your loved one isn't forgotten. Like I really need a stocking to remember her. I shouldn't be so ungrateful. And I'm trying my hardest- but every time I look at it, I have to fight the urge to take a pair of scissors to it. Maybe I'm not really angry about the stocking- maybe I'm just angry, and the stocking gives me something to be angry at. And then she was just sitting there kind of looking at me expectantly, like she was waiting for something. And I realized I wasn't crying--- I think that's what she was waiting for. Why is it that people just aren't happy until they've made you cry?! Like there's something wrong with not falling apart all the time. Unless there is something wrong with that. Maybe they're right and I really do have a heart of stone. A normal person certainly wouldn't be acting like this. A normal person would probably have loved that stupid stocking. Or could at least appreciate the sentiment. I on the otherhand, keep thinking that if she really knew me she'd have known that this was just about the worst thing ever. I think there's something wrong with me.

I just want Christmas to be over. I didn't think I'd react this way, I really didn't. Thanksgiving wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. But then again, it seems that I have the emotional status of a rock. But I didn't think it would be this hard, or that I would be this angry about everything.
I still mean the stuff I wrote before. I still believe in the meaning of Christmas. I'm still looking forward to Christmas Eve at church, and even Christmas Day itself. Music has always been the one thing that makes me feel better, and I've been playing Christmas music since the day after Thanksgiving. It's the other stuff that I can't seem to deal with. It's the bright lights that do nothing more than remind me how dark my life seems right now. It's that dumb macaroni wreath Emily made when she was a kid that she always complained about mom putting up. But it was the first thing she looked for when she walked in the door. It's the ornaments on the tree that used to mean something, but now just seem to be mocking me. I must confess that when I decorated the tree, I always put most of her Mary's Angel and her Godchild ornaments in the back. I put a few in the front, just so it wasn't obvious, but most went in the back. It was childish and stupid, but it made me feel better. This year all I felt was guilt. I put the Mary's Angels in the front this time. Too little, too late-- it didn't help.

There was an article in the local newspaper about a Lutheran Church that had a "Blue Christmas" Sunday service. Basically it is exactly what it sounds like- a service for people who have lost someone, or even something. (I wonder if they played that awful Elvis song?!) At first I thought it was stupid, but the more I think about it, the concept kind of makes sense. Christmas seems to take over from October through December, and you can't escape it. Lights and songs and tacky inflatable lawn ornaments are everywhere. It's almost as if you just put enough lights on it, bury it under some tinsel and ribbons, you can cover the sadness. Pretend it doesn't exist. No one wants to hear that you're not in the Christmas spirit. (Unless you're my friend who seems to have made it her mission to try and find something to make me cry.) So maybe there's something to that church service. That it's okay to celebrate Christmas for what it is, and yet still acknowledge that not everything has to be lit up, blown up, or covered up with boughs of holly. That it's okay to not pretend that a little tinsel will make it all okay.

Maybe next year will be better.