Walls, walls, walls

I’ve really put up a lot of walls in the past 11 months. And I’m just now starting to realize how confining they have become.
Two years ago, my mother got Emily and me these really awesome water color/poetry pieces. The woman who creates them calls them bonesighs. (You should check out her website. They are, and she is, awesome.) My mother had sent her a link to my blog, and she left a comment on here one day. We e-mailed back and forth, and I told her a little about Emily. She generously told me to pick out a bonesigh off of her website as a gift. So I did. The one that I chose says “live and dance and laugh, being free with your heart. for there is enough always- even when you forget” (terri). I picked that one because it reminded me of one of Emily’s favorite phrases “live, laugh, love”. It reminded me of her. I loved that first line so much, I didn’t really focus on the last part. But as I looked at it the other day, it struck me differently. “be free with your heart- for there is enough always, even when you forget.”
I have forgotten that recently, and I definitely have been anything but free with my heart. I’ve spent so much time building walls to hide my heart, to protect it from getting hurt again, that I’ve completely boxed myself in.
And now the air is getting stale, and I’m tired of my own company. I think I want to take down some of these walls, but I’m afraid it’s going to be a lot harder bringing them down than it was putting them up.
And there’s that fear that what if there really isn’t enough of your heart to give away….
I suppose that’s where the whole Faith and Trust thing comes into play.

(posted 5-8-09)

Missing her...

I really miss her. It’s strange really, it’s not always the overwhelming, gut-wrenching, heart-aching grief that’s the hardest to deal with. That is actually the easiest—you cry your eyes out, and then the storm passes. It’s the little every day things that come up that get me. Like the Pizza Hut commercial. Or when I see something cute with frogs on it. She loved frogs--- and now I seem to see them everywhere. Or when I’m having a bad day, or a lonely day and I just want to text somebody. Or when my phone at work rings and I pick it up expecting to hear her bright and oh-so-chipper “hi!” on the other end. Usually it’s because she wanted something, but I miss her needing something from me. I feel a little at loose ends some days--- and I realize that I miss being needed. I miss her rambling phone calls when she was bored. I miss her phone calls when she was angry.

Somedays it doesn’t seem real. It’s like I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that she’s gone. And I find myself at times feeling guilty--- that I should be more upset than I am. I guess that’s what they call moving on with life, but it feels like a betrayal.

A random funny memory

I saw a commercial for Pizza Hut today, and it reminded me of the summer that Emily and I went to visit my Uncle Tom and Aunt Jane. It was yeaaaarrrssss ago--- I think it was the summer before I went into 5th grade, and Emily would have been going into 1st grade. I don’t know exactly why we spent a week there---- I think mother just wanted us out of her hair for a week. Uncle Tom and Aunt Jane lived in Birmingham, and in my 11 year old eyes, they were millionaires. Their house was enormous. I think Emily kept calling it a castle, which Uncle Tom got a huge kick out of. It was a fun week--- even aside from the infamous matching plaid outfits Aunt Jane bought us. (That’s a story for another blog though.)
One night while we were there we went to Pizza Hut and a huge storm came up out of nowhere. Emily had to go to the bathroom, and insisted on going by herself because she was a “big girl”. Not ten seconds after she went in there, there was a huge BOOM of thunder and the lights went out. If you've never been in a Pizza Hut when the lights went out, let me tell you... it is DARK. And all you could hear was a piercing, blood curdling shriek coming from the bathroom. I never knew such a horrible sound could come from a six year old. I think the lights were out for all of ten seconds, and we got Emily and tried to calm her down. Of course by now she had an audience and was in her element, crying her eyes out and wailing about how she was so scared. Being 11, and being used to her dramatics, I was embarrassed at the scene she was causing and told her to quit acting like a baby. I got scolded for being “mean” to the "sweet little baby girl" and Emily got another hug and some kind of dessert pizza. Which she didn’t like because it had apples on it, so we stopped for ice cream instead.

I miss the little brat.