I got an e-mail from my team leader from the Poland trip. I'm going back to Poland again next year. She mentioned in her e-mail that they may have another single girl going who could possibly be a room-mate while we're there. And while that's cool, and I'm excited about going back... even that made me miss Emily. I know I joke about how Emily was not one for getting dirty. Or doing hard work. But I think I could have convinced her to go with me. I think once I'd been and could tell her what to expect, she would have gone. And I know I could have gotten her once I told her that beer was cheaper than water and soda. Because the reality is, even though Emily was high maintenance, she really did have a heart of gold. And a soft spot for people who were hurting. I had a wonderful time, and I made lasting friendships with some of the people I went with. But there were several times when I was there that I found myself wishing that I had someone there with me. I took so many pictures of people standing together in front of buildings with their cameras. It made me wish for someone to stand beside me. And Lord knows I didn't want a picture of just myself. I wanted my sister. And I realized that I would have felt that way even if she wasn't gone...
(unfinished draft, posted 5-8-09)
Friday, October 31, 2008
Trick or Treat
It's Halloween. It never really was one of our favorite holidays. It was fun, and mom always made the coolest costumes, and what kid doesn't like free candy.... but it definitely didn't rank up there with Christmas. (Or in Emily's case, her birthday).
But I still have alot of memories of the cool costumes.
There was the princess costume that we both got alot of use out of. There was the year we were both black cats. Pipi Longstocking, Molly- The American Girl, the Jack-in-the-Box, the Mime, my very favorite- the unicorn costume, hippies, cowgirls... for someone who did not like Halloween at all, my mother was the best at making Halloween costumes. And it was years before I realized how much she disliked Halloween. So thanks Mom- for the fuzzy pumpkins you hung on the walls, and the costumes you made, the "smelly ghost" you let us put out (remember him?!). I'd mention the cardboard skeleton, but I think that was more Dad's thing than ours. It kinda creeped me out. I wonder how long it took for the people who bought our house in Alabama to find him hanging in the attic?
Anyway- back to Halloween. Greencastle has this really weird thing that they don't do Halloween on the 31st. It's always on the Thursday before. Which I've never really been able to find out why. Seems every time you ask someone, they don't know. Probably because they've done it that way for the last 300 years. I don't know. But anyway, trick-or-treat night was actually last night. As I was driving to choir practice, I saw all the little princesses, and witches, and ghosts, and skater punks, snow whites, and skeletons.... and I really, really missed Emily. I'm not sure what triggered it, but I started remembering all those years. I thought about the last time we went together- I think I was 17 and Em would have been 13. I was an Army girl, and Emily was a mime. I think that was the year we had finally caught on to the fact that maybe it wasn't such a smart idea to let mom and dad "check" our candy to make sure it was "ok". It was the first year I actually got to eat my Mr. Goodbars, and Snickers, and Milky Ways. Or maybe Greencastle candy was safer than Montgomery candy. :)
Emily was funny. I would eat all the "good stuff" first. (probably a survival instinct- get to it before the parents did!) Within a couple days, the chocolate was gone, and all that was left were the starbursts, the cheapo knock-off candy, and Mounds bars (which I know is technically chocolate, but it's full of coconut- which is just a way to ruin perfectly good chocolate, so therefore it doesn't count.) But Emily would hang onto her Snicker's and Reeses and Milky Ways for ever... so I suppose I can't really be too hard on my parents for raiding our candy. I sneaked out of Em's all the time. And the ironic thing is, I never really had to sneak. If I'd asked, she'd probably have just given it to me. *sigh*
Every year, Grandma always sends us a little Halloween goody bag. Mine are the peanut butter Mary Janes. You know, the candies in the orange and black wrappers? They've always been one of my favorites. Emily liked the orange candy pumpkins, which are one of mom's favorites too. And Em always shared. I never was very good at sharing when it came to food. Which is why the Mary Janes were my favorites. No one else likes them, so I didn't have to share.
I miss her. I found myself wishing she was here so we could pretend to be 6 again and dress up and go Trick-or-Treating. And then I realized that wouldn't really be all that fun for her, because she couldn't have eaten all that candy anyway. And if she was here, I wouldn't have wanted to miss choir practice, so we likely wouldn't have gone anyway. I found myself wishing I would wake up and that the last seven months would be one big trick. I wished I was pretending that I wasn't sneaking candy out of her pumpkin, and that she was pretending not to know I was doing it.
I'm not sure if I was missing what could have been, or what once was. But either way, I was missing her. I am missing her.
But I still have alot of memories of the cool costumes.
There was the princess costume that we both got alot of use out of. There was the year we were both black cats. Pipi Longstocking, Molly- The American Girl, the Jack-in-the-Box, the Mime, my very favorite- the unicorn costume, hippies, cowgirls... for someone who did not like Halloween at all, my mother was the best at making Halloween costumes. And it was years before I realized how much she disliked Halloween. So thanks Mom- for the fuzzy pumpkins you hung on the walls, and the costumes you made, the "smelly ghost" you let us put out (remember him?!). I'd mention the cardboard skeleton, but I think that was more Dad's thing than ours. It kinda creeped me out. I wonder how long it took for the people who bought our house in Alabama to find him hanging in the attic?
Anyway- back to Halloween. Greencastle has this really weird thing that they don't do Halloween on the 31st. It's always on the Thursday before. Which I've never really been able to find out why. Seems every time you ask someone, they don't know. Probably because they've done it that way for the last 300 years. I don't know. But anyway, trick-or-treat night was actually last night. As I was driving to choir practice, I saw all the little princesses, and witches, and ghosts, and skater punks, snow whites, and skeletons.... and I really, really missed Emily. I'm not sure what triggered it, but I started remembering all those years. I thought about the last time we went together- I think I was 17 and Em would have been 13. I was an Army girl, and Emily was a mime. I think that was the year we had finally caught on to the fact that maybe it wasn't such a smart idea to let mom and dad "check" our candy to make sure it was "ok". It was the first year I actually got to eat my Mr. Goodbars, and Snickers, and Milky Ways. Or maybe Greencastle candy was safer than Montgomery candy. :)
Emily was funny. I would eat all the "good stuff" first. (probably a survival instinct- get to it before the parents did!) Within a couple days, the chocolate was gone, and all that was left were the starbursts, the cheapo knock-off candy, and Mounds bars (which I know is technically chocolate, but it's full of coconut- which is just a way to ruin perfectly good chocolate, so therefore it doesn't count.) But Emily would hang onto her Snicker's and Reeses and Milky Ways for ever... so I suppose I can't really be too hard on my parents for raiding our candy. I sneaked out of Em's all the time. And the ironic thing is, I never really had to sneak. If I'd asked, she'd probably have just given it to me. *sigh*
Every year, Grandma always sends us a little Halloween goody bag. Mine are the peanut butter Mary Janes. You know, the candies in the orange and black wrappers? They've always been one of my favorites. Emily liked the orange candy pumpkins, which are one of mom's favorites too. And Em always shared. I never was very good at sharing when it came to food. Which is why the Mary Janes were my favorites. No one else likes them, so I didn't have to share.
I miss her. I found myself wishing she was here so we could pretend to be 6 again and dress up and go Trick-or-Treating. And then I realized that wouldn't really be all that fun for her, because she couldn't have eaten all that candy anyway. And if she was here, I wouldn't have wanted to miss choir practice, so we likely wouldn't have gone anyway. I found myself wishing I would wake up and that the last seven months would be one big trick. I wished I was pretending that I wasn't sneaking candy out of her pumpkin, and that she was pretending not to know I was doing it.
I'm not sure if I was missing what could have been, or what once was. But either way, I was missing her. I am missing her.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
He even cares about the cookies....
....and that's why He made Aunts.
Thanks Aunt Pat- I love you too. :)
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Hope
I've started and stopped about 12 different blog entries in the last month or so. I just couldn't seem to find the right words to finish what I wanted to say.
Lately, I'm not even sure I know what I want to say.
My grandmother passed away two weeks ago today. She's been sick for a very long time, and I knew that it was inevitable... but it sure doesn't make it any easier. Someone actually had the audacity to say to me, "That's sad, but at least it's not as bad as when your sister died." To phrase it as eloquently as I can- that's crap. It still amazes me at all the stupid things people say. I think I understand what they were trying to say- it is a little different when someone dies so young, as opposed to someone who was 80. I'll admit I'm guilty of reading through the obituaries and kind of by-passing the ones who were in their 70's and 80's, yet reading through the ones who were in their 20's or 30's. I suppose in a way, we try and make it easier to deal with by telling ourselves that because they lived such a long life, it's a little easier to say goodbye. And maybe there is some truth in that. I miss my grandmother, but I would be lying if I said it was the same sense of loss as when Emily died. But that definitely doesn't mean the loss is any less, just different. I lost a grandmother, but my dad and my aunts and uncle lost a mother. It's different relationships, different personalities.... you can't measure loss, you can't put emotion in a box. Grief is definitely not a one-size fits all kind of deal.
I fell in love with Shirley Temple movies because of Mom-Mom. I think we watched "A Little Princess" every single time we went to see them. I loved listening to her stories- about her past, about her family. I especially loved the ones about how bad my dad was when he was little. And it made my heart hurt for my dad and my aunts and uncle as I listened to them talk about her, their memories of her, and knowing that there really wasn't anything I could say or do to make it better. At her funeral, I really wanted to get up and say something, but I just couldn't get ahold of myself enough to be able to articulate what I wanted to say. My cousin Shannon played "My Heart Will Go On", on her flute, and I fell apart from there. I found myself crying so hard, and I'm not sure if I was crying for Mom-Mom, or because of the song and the words that go to it are so meaningful, for all of our family, or for Emily, or just a combination of it all.
This year has been horrible, for all of us. My suggestion was that we all get together on New Year's Eve and get trashed and forget that it ever happened. And I was only slightly kidding when I suggested it. But I've been trying to remember some of the good moments. (I think there was one.)
But in all seriousness, this year has really made me realize how amazing my family really is. I think we tend to take them for granted, because they're family, and you just assume they'll always be there. In some cases that could be a good or bad thing. (grin) I have aunts, uncles, and cousins that live two hours away, that in the past I've seen maybe once or twice a year. I mean seriously, that's ridiculous. So if there's any good at all to come from this mess that has been 2008, it's made me more aware of how important it is to make time for family.
Something I've been thinking alot about lately too is hope. I definitely haven't been feeling alot of that lately. People bandy that word about all the time, "I hope I get that promotion", "I hope he calls soon", "I hope she gets better", "I hope mom makes chocolate chip cookies for dessert", "I hope things get easier", but what does it really mean? So I went to Google. I love Google. Where did people go to find out stuff before it came along? Anyway, according to the all-knowing Internet, hope is "a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life. Hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best."
Isn't that kind of like being optimistic? Not really... optimism is more of.... a thought process that leads to a positive attitude. Hope is a belief, an emotion. You can talk yourself into being optimistic- but hopefulness comes through belief. And faith. I think you can be optimistic without faith, but faith is the very foundation of hope. Emily Dickinson wrote in a poem that "'Hope' is the thing with feathers-- / That perches in the soul." The verse on my daily calendar today is "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23. The word that sticks out most to me is unswervingly. That is HARD to do. I can't say that I've been able to do that. I've never lost my faith, but I definitely have lost hope. But that's the beauty of faith. If you lose your optimism, you don't really have anything to fall back on. It's kind of hard to talk yourself into being positive, when you feel like you're in a downward spiral. But even if you lose hope, or feel like you've lost it, you still have faith to catch you as you fall. And you don't have to talk yourself back into hope. Faith lifts it back up. "Yet this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope. Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning, great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:21-23
I can be optimistic that 2009 is going to be a better year. I can be optimistic that things at work will change. I can be optimistic that Mr. Right will someday call (soon, preferably!) I can be optimistic that mom-mom and Emily are better now, even if it wasn't the way I would have chosen. I can be optimistic that things will get easier. I can even be optimistic that mom might make chocolate chip cookies. But those things are all based on the power of positive thinking. My hope is based on the faith in knowing that even if that all doesn't happen, He's still going to be there in the aftermath and mess. Well, maybe not so much with the whole chocolate chip cookie thing. I don't think He's really all that concerned about that. (grin)
So to the rest of the year 2008- bring it on. You've thrown your worst at me, and I've survived. You've taken the people I love away, but you can't take away love, because love never dies. I have faith, and with faith I have hope. And with that, I can't be beat.
Lately, I'm not even sure I know what I want to say.
My grandmother passed away two weeks ago today. She's been sick for a very long time, and I knew that it was inevitable... but it sure doesn't make it any easier. Someone actually had the audacity to say to me, "That's sad, but at least it's not as bad as when your sister died." To phrase it as eloquently as I can- that's crap. It still amazes me at all the stupid things people say. I think I understand what they were trying to say- it is a little different when someone dies so young, as opposed to someone who was 80. I'll admit I'm guilty of reading through the obituaries and kind of by-passing the ones who were in their 70's and 80's, yet reading through the ones who were in their 20's or 30's. I suppose in a way, we try and make it easier to deal with by telling ourselves that because they lived such a long life, it's a little easier to say goodbye. And maybe there is some truth in that. I miss my grandmother, but I would be lying if I said it was the same sense of loss as when Emily died. But that definitely doesn't mean the loss is any less, just different. I lost a grandmother, but my dad and my aunts and uncle lost a mother. It's different relationships, different personalities.... you can't measure loss, you can't put emotion in a box. Grief is definitely not a one-size fits all kind of deal.
I fell in love with Shirley Temple movies because of Mom-Mom. I think we watched "A Little Princess" every single time we went to see them. I loved listening to her stories- about her past, about her family. I especially loved the ones about how bad my dad was when he was little. And it made my heart hurt for my dad and my aunts and uncle as I listened to them talk about her, their memories of her, and knowing that there really wasn't anything I could say or do to make it better. At her funeral, I really wanted to get up and say something, but I just couldn't get ahold of myself enough to be able to articulate what I wanted to say. My cousin Shannon played "My Heart Will Go On", on her flute, and I fell apart from there. I found myself crying so hard, and I'm not sure if I was crying for Mom-Mom, or because of the song and the words that go to it are so meaningful, for all of our family, or for Emily, or just a combination of it all.
This year has been horrible, for all of us. My suggestion was that we all get together on New Year's Eve and get trashed and forget that it ever happened. And I was only slightly kidding when I suggested it. But I've been trying to remember some of the good moments. (I think there was one.)
But in all seriousness, this year has really made me realize how amazing my family really is. I think we tend to take them for granted, because they're family, and you just assume they'll always be there. In some cases that could be a good or bad thing. (grin) I have aunts, uncles, and cousins that live two hours away, that in the past I've seen maybe once or twice a year. I mean seriously, that's ridiculous. So if there's any good at all to come from this mess that has been 2008, it's made me more aware of how important it is to make time for family.
Something I've been thinking alot about lately too is hope. I definitely haven't been feeling alot of that lately. People bandy that word about all the time, "I hope I get that promotion", "I hope he calls soon", "I hope she gets better", "I hope mom makes chocolate chip cookies for dessert", "I hope things get easier", but what does it really mean? So I went to Google. I love Google. Where did people go to find out stuff before it came along? Anyway, according to the all-knowing Internet, hope is "a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life. Hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best."
Isn't that kind of like being optimistic? Not really... optimism is more of.... a thought process that leads to a positive attitude. Hope is a belief, an emotion. You can talk yourself into being optimistic- but hopefulness comes through belief. And faith. I think you can be optimistic without faith, but faith is the very foundation of hope. Emily Dickinson wrote in a poem that "'Hope' is the thing with feathers-- / That perches in the soul." The verse on my daily calendar today is "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23. The word that sticks out most to me is unswervingly. That is HARD to do. I can't say that I've been able to do that. I've never lost my faith, but I definitely have lost hope. But that's the beauty of faith. If you lose your optimism, you don't really have anything to fall back on. It's kind of hard to talk yourself into being positive, when you feel like you're in a downward spiral. But even if you lose hope, or feel like you've lost it, you still have faith to catch you as you fall. And you don't have to talk yourself back into hope. Faith lifts it back up. "Yet this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope. Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning, great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:21-23
I can be optimistic that 2009 is going to be a better year. I can be optimistic that things at work will change. I can be optimistic that Mr. Right will someday call (soon, preferably!) I can be optimistic that mom-mom and Emily are better now, even if it wasn't the way I would have chosen. I can be optimistic that things will get easier. I can even be optimistic that mom might make chocolate chip cookies. But those things are all based on the power of positive thinking. My hope is based on the faith in knowing that even if that all doesn't happen, He's still going to be there in the aftermath and mess. Well, maybe not so much with the whole chocolate chip cookie thing. I don't think He's really all that concerned about that. (grin)
So to the rest of the year 2008- bring it on. You've thrown your worst at me, and I've survived. You've taken the people I love away, but you can't take away love, because love never dies. I have faith, and with faith I have hope. And with that, I can't be beat.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Mom-Mom
After Emily died, so many people said that it was tragic that she “died so young”. As if her death was somehow worse because she was 20 as opposed to 80. I guess we do look at a young person’s death as somehow more of a loss than someone who is older. I’ve caught myself looking at the obituaries and skimming past the ones in their 70’s, and 80’s…. but reading the ones in their 20’s or 30’s. I guess somehow we think that the elderly have lived a “full” life and it’s not quite as tragic as someone who didn’t quite get to do everything. But let me tell you, 80 hurts just as much as 20.
My grandmother died last Thursday. We knew it was coming, but knowing that didn’t make it any easier. I will admit, it was a different kind of sorrow and loss than I felt for Emily. But it wasn’t any less because she was 80. It was still the loss of a person. Someone who lived and breathed and laughed and cried. Who was a wife, a mother, a grandmother, and a great-grandmother.
I felt like I ought to have said something at the memorial service. But I just couldn’t get myself together enough to get up there and say something. I found myself remembering how I fell in love with Shirley Temple movies, because Mom-Mom loved them. I think we watched “The Little Princess”, every time I stayed with them. I remember watching episodes of “Little House on the Prarie” together. I remembered all these things, all these memories, and how much I love her... but I couldn't string them together enough to form a coherent thought.
Sometimes you wonder how much hurt a heart can stand.
(unfinished draft- posted 5-8-09)
My grandmother died last Thursday. We knew it was coming, but knowing that didn’t make it any easier. I will admit, it was a different kind of sorrow and loss than I felt for Emily. But it wasn’t any less because she was 80. It was still the loss of a person. Someone who lived and breathed and laughed and cried. Who was a wife, a mother, a grandmother, and a great-grandmother.
I felt like I ought to have said something at the memorial service. But I just couldn’t get myself together enough to get up there and say something. I found myself remembering how I fell in love with Shirley Temple movies, because Mom-Mom loved them. I think we watched “The Little Princess”, every time I stayed with them. I remember watching episodes of “Little House on the Prarie” together. I remembered all these things, all these memories, and how much I love her... but I couldn't string them together enough to form a coherent thought.
Sometimes you wonder how much hurt a heart can stand.
(unfinished draft- posted 5-8-09)
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